DADDY DEAREST
I want to get something off of my chest. Will you indulge me for a moment? I don’t want kids. There I said it. It isn’t by accident. I could have adopted, or had a surrogate. Hell, I believe at one point I could have even convinced a friend of mine to give me her kid as a present. It takes a special person to raise kids. I am not that person, no matter how great a dad my friends think I would be. No matter what my friends that have kids say about how it makes your life purpose more complete, I don’t buy into it.
A screaming, crying, hungry at two in the morning baby is not going to help me reach my peak potential. Don’t get me wrong. I sort of like kids. I taught high-risk youth in New York, and am the Chair of the LGBTQ youth sub-committee here in West Hollywood. I love spending time with youth, who are at the at least 12 year old speaking and comprehension level. I do well with them. Helping youth with their concerns, and laughing a bit with them is a blast for me. The miracle of this life, though, is that I get to go home and not have one wailing or screaming to eat. The idea of washing up a drooling whining creature, four or five times a day other than myself doesn’t appeal to me at all. I do not possess one iota of a fraction of a paternal instinct.
I also understand that children are our future. Just listen to any politician around election time. They will yammer about it until they are elected. I believe wholeheartedly that gays and lesbians should have the option to adopt, without legal turmoil and with the same ease as out hetero counterparts. They can carry them around in those burlap papooses tied to their chests and be perpetually covered in baby drool, waiting on the next diaper change. Oh and about that. I will never subscribe to the notion that changing diapers is the character building activity that so many nursing mothers are lactating about. It is vile, gross, and something I must leave the room, car, park or anywhere else I have seen it done.
“I just want to exercise my right to remain childless…”
I know several gay male couples that have adopted. They have gotten their little babies from other countries. How sweet. All I can tell you, and this is fact, is that they have physically aged more quickly than anyone else I know. They have bags under their eyes, non-manicured nails, colourless skin, and have trouble forming intelligible adult sentences. These are all of the special bonuses of raising their little bundle of joy. A bundle of joy for me is a new pair of True Religion jeans and a deep cleaning facial.
And here is the best part. Parents think each one of their kids is the most special creation in the entire existence of mankind. My gay friends with kids brag on and on about their children being the smartest, wittiest, children ever to reach one month old. They tell me how they crawl, walk, talk, pass gas, and burp correctly. Yes it’s a phenomenon that babies can actually burp correctly. Ask any parent. UGH.
Parents please don’t be sending me any hate mail or e-mails about this article. Have I broken a Cardinal rule in this new craze of gay adoptions by not wanting a baby? It’s not that I don’t believe in the right to have a baby. I just want to exercise my right to remain childless. I believe in a woman’s right, I believe in equality and justice for all, I believe in universal healthcare and meals on wheels. I love the idea of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I adore the idea of The Tooth Fairy, or any fairy for that matter. They just won’t be visiting my home this time around.
That is of course unless it is to see Lilly, my little Dachshund. Did I tell you she is so smart? She sits, begs, plays dead, speaks and understands two hundred words. I swear she is the smartest little puppy ever created. And she burps correctly…UGH
© jimmy palmieri, All Rights Reserved
Sigh…. If only. I’d kill to have a little bambino to take place. Problems: 1 – Not in a relationship (don’t wanna do this by myself). 2 – Still working too damn hard to have the time and energy to focus on a little one.
brilliant. I would have to say, that this is officially, the second time i have ever felt the need to express my comments on a subject, involving youths and the GLBT cummunity, and have acctually done so..
the first involving the execution of a number of gay youths in the middel east and africa.
But this is fortunatly a far more pleasant subject
and fully support Jimmy Palmieri, whom i assume is the author of this witty and hillarious reality.
I felt far less guilty for believing the same thing though due to my young age(19), im repeatdly and consistently made victim to tortures speaches claiming i WILL! change my mind in time as i know nothing at my age.
To conclude, Daddy dearest was a welcomed expression.
Choosing to remain childless. As a gay man, I can understand the desire of some to not have children. However, I would have loved to be able to adopt a child. Unfortunately that won’t be happening in this country, not in the near future, so I enjoy playing ‘big uncle’ to my niece and cousins…
Wtf?. Jimmy Palmieri has got to be the most obnoxious, self absorbed queen ever to write a feature for this site. It’s not his unwillingness to parent a child that bugs me, but rather his degradation of those who actually attempt something which he admits he isn’t cut out for.
Yes, we all know parenting isn’t the easiest task on earth. Since you’re too caught up in a culture of manicures and facials (which really wont do much for you at age 60, when no one will give a fuck, anyway) to put any effort into it – atleast don’t bitch about those that do, and who try to find some pride in their efforts.
Next time, maybe MambaOnline will practice a bit more discretion in its selection of writers. Ones with a bit more maturity and a little less of an affinity for interpolating every verse with “Ugh” would be appreciated. Thanks.
Someone needs to chill…. Or perhaps develop a little sense of humour? Jeez. Pamper yourself with a long hot bath, have a cup of chamomile tea, put your feet up… There. Better now?
Simple evolution. We exist to breed. A noble purpose, which once achieved, leads to decline and death.
It is scientifically proven that delayed reproduction over time increases the life expectancy of a species.
Therefore, support the purpose of your species, breed and die. Or fail to do so and be a youthful mo for a few years longer.
Since the breakup with my partner of eight years recently – I have a constant need for a child – really wanting to provide for someone and give them a great upbringing in my own way. Dunno – feels strange – I have never liked kids.