HEALTH: MATURING GAY MEN
Everyone knows life doesn’t stop at 45, yet many people assume that sex does. As we mature, many gay men feel increasingly alienated from social venues such as clubs and bars that, for many, form an essential part of our so-called gay culture and which often cater to a younger twinky crowd.
Likewise, many maturing men are made to feel unwelcome, unattractive or simply invisible on gay cruising sites, with younger guys ignoring them or at the very most, just tolerating them. (Unless the younger guy is into dad/son-type scenarios or is looking for material security with a financially established older man.)
When it comes to cruising, most gay men treat each other as mere physical objects. We are attributed a relative value and ‘desirability quotient’ based on our age, our bodiliness, the size of our package and our preferred sexual role. Often, a top rates higher than a similar-bodied bottom guy of the same age, illustrating the added value many of us attribute to tops.
Although many guys scoff at the very notion of someone describing themselves as being either top or bottom, insisting that everyone should be versatile, this is contradicted by the number of bottom guys who describe themselves as versatile on their online profiles.
Whatever the case, there are very clear indications of a pervasive quest for youthful masculinity among countless gay men. And sadly, many of us define masculinity in terms of bodiliness, preferred role and of course, the package. We are reminded of this by the frequent exclusionary limits stipulated in online profiles: “…no fems, no total bottoms, no older than 32…”
I often think older guys are partly responsible for younger guys feeling the need to place such blatant statements on their profiles, certainly in terms of setting an age limit. Ask yourself who you were attracted to when you were aged 25, guys your own age or men over 45?
Place this reality within the context of the high number of maturing gay men who are only attracted to younger guys, to the point that they ignore potential partners within their own age group. Ageism, a strong word for what is basically a personal preference related to age, is therefore equally evident among both younger and maturing gay men.
Besides these social factors related to maturing as a gay man there are also clear health-related factors that need to be highlighted:
• Many responsible sex campaigns focus on younger guys, perhaps forgetting that older gay men also remain sexually active.
• Having sex at a mature age carries the same health risks as it does for younger men. Older guys remain susceptible to sexually transmitted infections (STIs), especially if they are bottom for oral or anal sex.
• STIs and HIV are often overlooked in older men. Some symptoms of HIV may be similar to natural effects of the aging process. In addition, medical staff may fail to suggest HIV or STI checks for older guys because they may assume they’re sexually inactive.
• Conditions attributed to aging, such as diabetes, cardiovascular problems and arthritis may occur earlier in men who are HIV positive. Such men may also be more prone to depression and forgetfulness.
• Men over 45 should have their prostate gland checked every year. Such yearly checks should commence at age 40 if they have a family history of prostate cancer.
• There are countless reasons to stop smoking and drinking, including the fact that nicotine and alcohol contribute to erectile dysfunction (ED). Cholesterol can also be a contributing factor to ED. HIV infection itself can cause ED, as can taking medication. Some ARVs can contribute to ED as well. Don’t use any products to boost your sexual functioning without your doctor’s consent; simply using such products could mask an underlying health problem requiring medical attention.
Many healthcare workers are uncomfortable talking about sex at the best of times, but more so with an older person. If you have concerns or questions and have a need to talk about sex, raise the subject yourself.
Remember, Health4Men clinics offer free sexual healthcare to gay and bisexual men, including twinks and maturing men. For more info go to health4men.co.za.
Tell us what you think. Are older gay men valued in the gay community or are they seen as being past their prime? What have been your experiences?
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU – finally something that doesn’t only focus on younger men! This article makes perfect sense and I relate to it 100% even though I am “only” 39 – and dreading the big four-oh…. It feels as if I’m too old for younger men, and yet the guys online my age and older all seem interested in younger guys only. I’m more interested in guys a few years older than me, and I want to settle down, but everyone is fixated by youth.
OK one thing is certain – older tops deliver the best f*cks – no doubt about it – and I’ll only ever let an older experienced guy ff me – no ways in hell I’d ever allow a younger guy who’s probably wired even try to ff me
Older guys or rather SOME older guys are the best for kink because of their experience, I agree, younger guys don’t always know what they’re doing and have to learn from older guys
Younger guys can’t be assertive or dominant, older guys can get this right if they are confident – I’m 24 and usually play with guys up to about 28 but I want someone who’s dominant and can control the scene I go for a guy up to about 45.
Something I’ve never really thought about and we forget that every one of us of will get old too so thx for this
This prostate test thing everyone’s so scared of – why is there such fear to the test, and can you do it the test for your partner to check his prostate when you play with his a$$? Maybe Health4Men can explain how to do this?
Good article, insightful but quite depressing? Thanks Glen
Agree, sobering and depressing
I see more limp dick (what you call ED) among younger dudes (as a side effect of chems) than among older guys so what the hell is that about? WTF is going on with our so-called community? As a bottom I’d rather be with an older guy who doesn’t think he needs chems to have good sex.
so true lol
Gay man aged 42 here and I thank the gods that I have no interest at all in younger twinky guys, as many of my friends and peers have. I find it pathetic and sad when some mature guys over-value youth and under-value insight, experience, personality and wisdom.
I find the old stereotype of the older man perving over young flesh quite puzzling. Yes, some older man prefer younger, but my experience at age 45 is that it is the younger guys who seek older men. When I was younger, I mostly hooked up with guys my own age. Now that I am in my forties, it is the twenty-somethings that come after me – and I am not the only one in this situation. People are attracted to who they are attracted – Just let them be!
Some daddies are the hottest ever!
the guys who continue to play around when they are younger and never learn to develop really lasting and enduring relationships based on emotion rather than lust are the ones who come short when they hit their mid 30s – maybe not past their sell-by date but just carry on playing the field and looking for a quick fix but also becoming more aware they may be alone… for a long part of their lives. I agree the gay scene is a bit messed up, maybe that’s why so many of us use chems???
I think this all has less to with our biological age and everything to do with out looks, I’m mid thirties so not sure what category I fall under and I think everything – inlcuding age – is relative. And btw the daddy in the pic accompanying this article can visit me any time
Totally agree about the dude in the pic – forget about age, that’s HOT
Big into older guys – when I was a kid I had a HUGE crush on Richard Gere LOL and older guys still do it for me, you get gross younger guys and gross older guys but generally I’ll choose older over younger.
OK but you must admit you are the exception to the norm? Most guys over about 35 tend to go for younger meat, in my experience anyway
The world would be a very dull place if we were all the same – the same age, same appearance, same interests – it is the diversity that makes life so interesting. There’s room for young and old, in fact the spread of ages is essential to add interest and vitality to gay life. The younger guys may not admit it but they do need the older guys to learn from, and the older guys are the people who faught for and got us our rights and our freedom and saved us from living in a country akin to Uganda in terms of human rights. 29 here and I play with guys from 25 to 40, and I enjoy the variety.
A refreshing article, a pleasant change.
Quite a wake-up call that has me kinda worried, what happens to older gay gay guys, where do they (we) go when we reach 60? We don’t have children we can turn to, some of us don’t have really close friends so where do we go? To a state-run old-age home where we climb back into the closet? Vulnerable to homophobic oldies and nurses? Lonely and still listening to Diana Ross? SAD SAD SAD
Contact me!
I can so relate to this, it feels like the nightmare of being gay, very scary, unless you are super rich what will our lives look like when we turn 60, or when we’re 70? Wheeled on to the stoep for pap if we’re lucky? Damn this is scary, way beyond sad.
A very good read
I am 48 with a nice sexy ass and cock, i am a bisexual man who likes to bottom with attractive men regardless of their age,they fuck me much better than some of the younger guys,they are so much better lovers, much better in bed,they lick my ass,they make me come,some cant get up inittially but i seem to turn them on and then theres fun.Its all about being sexy and lust,migueldavid2009@gmail.com
So why u advertising on the internet if you SOOOOO hot?
Well older guys i am looking!I havent lived here for awhile so dont know the scene.
I am not an older bay man, I am 32 (OK older is relative so guys of 20 I may sound ancient) but I am a black gay men, as Africans we admire and respect our elders who are wiser than us but this is the opposite of the gay world, if a elder asks me for sex I must decide between tradition and the modern gay life style, this is difficult and depends where I am, in the city (jhb) or home (Limpopo), it changes where you are but for me I prefer elder men who can top me properly (at home we say treat me like a woman) so this is also cultural.
Why all the fuss? If you like each other do it – simple! Age queens (like size queens) are everywhere but the rest of us have fun besides them so let’s get on with it and ignore the others, I don’t give one thought to age, its about the dicks and what we want to do so what’s wrong with that?
Twinks or younger guys (up to about 28) cruisng older guys online can only mean one thing and it should ring alarm bells: a RENT BOY wanting something, either drugs or wanting to clean you out of a cellphone or wallet, OK maybe he’s looking for more – a longterm set-up where the older gay pays all his bills. I’ve been there, done that, been taken for a complete idiot and ripped off – my advice is to run run run, block him, don’t look back – ever. Once they have their claws into you its too late and you have absolutely nothing to gain and much to lose. Listen to your gut instinct, as I should have done, younger guys can only mean trouble if they come onto older men, don’t try to rationalise it as “love” – it isn’t, and you can get easily hooked by a manipulative younger guys who knows what button to push.
You guys ROCK!
Thanks peeps, a good read….
Thanks for an insightful and real article. I am certainly attacked to older mature tops. I am 68 years of age but still prefer men of my age or older. Of course there are mature and lovable younger men too but they are rare to find. I do find older men used by younger men pathetic and sad tho.