PLAYING THE AGE GAME
As a late-thirty-something man about town who’s been braving the Joburg singles scene for the last four years (oh lord, has it been that long?), I’ve come to notice an intriguing, and sometimes frightening, phenomenon: the dating age game.
I’ve long been aware that some people tend to delve into age groups quite distant from their own when it comes to seeking a mate, but I had always assumed that this tended to be outside the norm, or then simply cases of mid-life crisis or some kind of sordid financial arrangement.
After all, who hasn’t heard (or perhaps even experienced) the scenario of the wealthy older man treating his young lover to all kinds of worldly experiences in exchange for a firm libido? It’s seemed rather unsavoury to me – smacking of all kinds of gay clichés and stereotypes.
I guess what bugs me the most about age-discordant relationships (and I’m talking differences of around ten years or more) is the idea that there is usually also an imbalance in the partners’ power dynamic.
I’ve often said that I could never be with a man because of his wealth or his status – and nothing would disturb me more than someone wanting to be with me for these very same reasons: I’ve always seen my ideal relationship as one between equals growing through life together. Go on, gag all you like, but there it is…
We all know that the younger boy-older man phenomenon has a long history – in both ancient Europe and in Africa – but that seemed to me to be a result of societies that were unable to define homosexuality as a coupling of equals.
In the heterosexual world, most couples, in my experience, seem to be within five years of each other in age. The most common occurrence of age-discordant relationships in the straight realm appears to be in the case of extra-marital affairs, flings and the ubiquitous mid-life crisis. Or maybe I just watch too much TV.
I’ve tut-tutted my friends for their often nearly pube-less conquests and – like the well trained Virgo that I am – secretly looked down on their apparently dysfunctional age-imbalanced couplings. I’ve questioned why their younger lovers were really with them, and looked for signs of the sugar-daddy syndrome. I’ve wondered if my friends have been seeking affirmation as remaining sexually attractive as they get older, or even what this said about their character.
But, once again, life seems intent on thwarting my preconceptions: Over the last couple of years two things have happed: The first is that men my age seem increasingly uninterested in me – and prefer to be dabbling with youngsters. It appears as though I’m simply too old to be of much significance.
“…he wasn’t there when JR Ewing was shot, or when Hillbrow was a cool place to hang out in…”
Secondly, I myself, against all my best efforts, seem to be consistently attracting a disproportionate amount of younger guys: like flies to shit, like bees to honey, like moths to a flame – you get the picture.
Some might be ecstatic at the idea, but I’ve been pretty horrified at this state of affairs. Sure it’s something fun to joke about, and not too unappealing to the ageing ego, but I’ve just never taken the idea of dating a much younger man seriously.
So after all this, you may be surprised to learn that I’ve finally given in. I confess: I too have been dating a younger man. Exactly how young? Well, let’s put it this way: He’s certainly a grown man, but in the US, he’d only just have been allowed to start drinking alcohol.
Am I ashamed? Do I feel like a hypocrite? Well, to some extent I do. And I still have questions about our long term viability as a couple.
Aren’t our life experiences simply too different for us to be real partners? He wasn’t there when JR Ewing was shot, or when Hillbrow was a cool place to hang out in or even standing in the queue when I voted in the 1994 elections.
Consider this: I came out the closet almost a decade and a half ago, while his family is still coming to grips with his sexuality. And what will my mother say when I introduce him to her?
In my (our?) defence, he’s certainly not with me because of my money (my bank manger will attest to that) and I don’t believe that I’m attracted to him because of his age; rather because he’s just a really great guy.
For now though, I’m taking it as it comes – one day at a time – and slowly trying to deal with my notions about what form or shape relationships should or shouldn’t take. After all, as a gay man shouldn’t I be, more than most, suspicious of slavishly following what has been traditionally accepted as the norm?
Younger boys. O no I am certainly not going to take over the parent’s job to raise their child!
Age issue. It is so true that younger man are dating older man my little research has infomred that they (the young ones) belive the older man give them security ( in this case social security) , comfort not really users like their age group and the sense of responsibility, Yes other issues like financial secuirity sometimes do appear to be a reallity , Pick me up, drop me there are easy with an older man you know?
Younger boys. I 2nd U on ur opinion an dteh things taht u see regarding the younger boy older man thing. However, we as a couple (37 and 38) prefer peers as our friends, not only do they thing the same,due same era born, but also we have alot in common. The prob we having is that even early 30’s guys thing us to old and over the wall, so we start making friends and chatting with guys in there 40’s and what a pleasure group to be with. What I learned mostly of my older friends, to hell what people think of you, just do it. So my message to the gays out there, get over the age thing, there is more to life than being pretentious over age, u gonna get older too and wiser. God Speed!
Age gap means nothing!. When I was young, I preferred older men. They were so much more interesting and uncomplicated than my peers, who created oscar-level dramas performances out of the most vulgar situation. Older men treated me well, spent money on me, new exactly how to please me sexually and gave me a sense of safety/ comfort. They were not jealous or possessive. Their words of wisdom put me where I am today: successful. Now I see that I am the older man to my boyfriend 11 years younger than me.
Age gaps allow a greater sharing of experience and wisdom. These relationships are so much more enriching!
Sugar?. yep clinical psycology puts it @ not to date 7y older or younger than urself. & a more symmetrical age/ $$/headspace relationship is always preferrable, especially with long term views. Statistically guys under 30 have just too much ‘wild oats’ still onboard: nobody questions the ability to do fidelity, but it seems almost unfair to be ‘trapped’ in longer than 3month relationships: With younger guys ur always looking ova ur shoulder, my nerves will be FINISHED in no time…
age differential. U know, it is sucha pity that so often importatn and interesting topics are soooo poorly dealth with in ‘feature articles” here.
the Freddy le Man piece is superficial, under-researched, and sooo stuck in all the “conservative” (should one not say reactionary?) accounts that tend to stigmatise transgenerational relationships.
It’s a great pity that u SEEM unable to find someone who could write informedly, interestingly, intelligently about such issues. Nobody is really interested in what somebody’s opinion is, esepcially when their opinion is, in this case, so trite.
could u try to do better?
He’s welcome to an opinion. .. at least his column wasn’t peppered with spelling mistakes!
Younger guys. Really great subject – thank you.
Im into younger guys, god only why knows but I am. I have had really great longer relationships with guys and I know that these have not been for financial gain. I just wish I knew the reason for this attraction. I have been in boys only boarding schools from the age six right though to seventeen, is this the reason, or is it possibly because of an absent father fighure in my life that I seem too want to be the protector in the relationship, I would love to know.
I hope this subject keeps going as I would love to hear other guy opinions , comments and suggestions. I know this is a big thinng as there arfe even sites like daddyhunt going so I know I am not of a minority, there are plenty of daddys andd hunter out there.
Wondering?. I find your comments interesting. History would tell us that in Ancient Greece, it was custom for an older man to have a younger male partner and then later a wife. With my internet dating experience, I have noticed similar trends. Have a look at our local dating sites and you will more than often see that men prefer other men roughly 5-7 years younger or older than themselves. Go look at a datiing page such as a country like Romania and you will see that the younger guys mostly prefer much older guys. I thought about this and decided to maybe pin it down to the lack of jobs and security the younger guys have, due to the fact that Romania used to be part of the communist past and coming out still very much anti their culture.
double click. personally I think its about the cliched click. If i meet someone younger or even older than me, a certain criteria is always in place. Hmmm is that why I am still single?
Can it Last?. Hmmm, I’m 40 and my partner 20. I think it has something to do with the standard male tendency to seek a mentor. This allows men not only to grow attached across generational boundaries, but to even prefer such a relationship. However, it also begs the question whether the relationship is sustainable over a longer term and especially as life partners (not that other gay relationships usually stand the test of time, huh? But still). I often worry for my younger partner, even though we’re in this as equals and enjoy each other in every respect. What will he do when I grow old and decrepit? I am sure he will love and respect me, but of life partnership there might not be anything left to speak of. I am happy alone though and would not be too phased if he decided to look for someone else, and we have discussed that he might end up as an older man with difficulty relating to other people in his own or younger age group and therefore frustrated with the situation, but we have decided to live in the moment. We really do love each other, and for now that is enough. And the other benefits we have from each other’s company are just bonuses ;-). I really don’t think there’s much scientifically researchable about the subject. It’s highly personal, and we should each decide for ourselves. If it works, then we’re luckier than most.
Younger and older. I’m 24 years old and have never been attracted to a guy 4years older or 2 years younger than me. I am currently in a relationship and my guy is 2 years younger than me and I have never been happier! It’s nice knowing you are going to start a life with someone, build a future with this person and not just fall into someones existing life, who is already stable. And just fit into his life!
older. I’m 36, my partner’s 25, and after being together for 2 and a bit years, I believe we are about to break up. The discrepancy in expectation, maturity, self-confidence finally became too much. Now maybe this is just how it worked out in our case, but it does seem to me as if we really shouldn’t even have attempted to go there.
For me, I have no intention of going there again, no matter how ‘mature for his age’, firm and hunky, taut and luscious he might be. Nor do I care about the size of his cock or how much precum he can generate. I have far too much that I want to accomplish than to sacrifice it to someone else’s insecurities.
Do I sound bitter? I hope not. I have to face the reality though: I expect a lot from a partner, just as much as I believe a partner can rely on me. Can someone with so much less life experience than I have honestly provide me with that?
To the point. I certainly agree with your sentments Mav…I as a younger guy who has most been involved with guys way older (+6to10 yrs)than I have experienced enough to know that I needed to take a break and look at my rlts subjectively. Having done that I can now say that I was mostly if not always insecure about something or the other…This made things a bit difficult and a bit of a burden to my partners…Also I could never return the same experiences they had given due to financial dicrepencies…(nobody’s fault, just life). No that I know…yes I’m still attracted to the same age group,however, I know more about what I can do and not do which has forced me to know myself pretty well enough to know when to stop dreaming about the future and live in the now…To me age is not just a number…Not only is it the number of years of life experience but also a means to say how much you should know who you are and are about (although some still don’t know these).
Age Gap. If a relationship with a big age gap can work, then let it be.
I experience that guys in their 20s are more sorted than guys in their 30s. Although they are naive and still has a lot to learn about life, they do not have that chip on their shoulder and treat older guys with respect.
Guys close to 40 generally are vicious to older guys, not realising when they cross that barrier, they will be bitter and lonely, and not really dating material due to the fact that their inflated egos kept them from keeping their bodies in shape.
If your peers dont treat you with the neccessary respect, younger guys can offer you much more, and your wisdom and life experience is invaluable to them
How?. I’m 22 years old, and I’ve been friends with a guy who is 32 years old. I met him over a year ago. I got that crazy feeling in my stomach while I walked away from him after our first date. I wanted him. I think he made up his mind then and there that I was too young for him. I know that he wont give me a chance because I dont have what he has.
I’ve graduated, I’m feeling my way through my first real job, I work hard, and I’d never expect him to pay my way or support me financially. All I do is try to make him see beyond my age, but he’s convinced that I’m too young to be with him. He’s one of my best friends, and he knows a lot about me. But……………….nothing.
As a younger guy, how do you convince older guys that it’s not always about sex and money? I pride myself on taking responsibility for myself, and I want to contribute to the relationship….
Age Gaps. I am currently being pursued by a man 20 years younger than me … I am shell shocked, I am reasonable looking, far from wealthy, and there are none of the sugar daddy/midlife crisis isues in this case … he earns more than me, he is incredibly responsible, refreshingly honest, a heart the size of the globe and driven. He is with me because I apparently inspire him to be a more positive person and make him feel like the most special man on earth. (a phenomenon/exception to a rule???????)
Thee it is, a reality, and I am scared Sh*t%ess, so am adapting the one day at a time attitude …
Disagree. Sorry but I have to disagree with the opening of this article. I am an older guy (very far from old!!) and my experience is that most (90+%) gay guys think that the moment you turn 35 you are no good. They are definitely not interested in us unless you can be ‘milked’ for money. They couldn’t give a damn about your personality, state of mind or even looks… all they see is 35+ and to them it means OLD and USELESS!!
Security. I only go for older guys because in my personal opinion:
1) they are more experienced with the gay lifestyle
2)they are very respectful and dignified
3)they tell it like it is, no bullshitting around
4)financially stable – i dont want their money, just to know that they are sound is good enough for me
5) MORE RESPONSIBLE- thats a big one for me
6)… good in bed- they not the *wham bham thankyou mam* type.
7) and generally good with kids- which i want someday!
age and the stresses. I am 42 ( married ) and dating a 24yr old. Its a very stressful set up. Him and I are great together, but I have the 24hr stress when I am not with him, of what he may be up to. I have caught on the the dating sites many times………. when should one let go??????????
i consider that cheating. dump him and find someone that deserves your love!
my reply. The question I would ask you is what are YOU doing in the dating sites to constantly find him there?
Obsessed with age…. My bf is 1 month older than me & it is great. There is never that insecurity gap or lack of maturity. Why is the gay community so obsessed with looks, age etc? Then they wonder why are so many guys being single…
Shut up and ride (the wave). Inter racial and religious relationships, for example, are not for everyone. So are May-December relationships. After 3 failed relationships, all within a year, with guys my age, I met someone much older than me. He’s 35 and I’m 22. And after a year and four months of pure heaven on earth, I still get butterflies in my stomach everytime I look into his eyes. And no, I’m not in it for the money because I am financially independent of anyone including my parents. Whether he’s in this for my perceived sexual prowess is inconsequential here because that’s one of the things most people look for in a relationships anyways, and I’m glad he hasn’t asked for his money back yet. lol. I struggle to get where this unjustified and sometimes-unjustifiable fear of me leeching him of his money comes from. If I allow this fear to control him and me, at what point then will I recognise a valid need of his help, be it financial or otherwise. Some doomsayers may even argue that the age gap is breeding ground for problems, but I believe that it all boils down to good old communication. There’ll be times when he’ll want to seek advice from his peers and I fully appreciate that. They’ve been friends for long before me, and I also accept there are things I won’t understand that he goes through. As long as the advice he seeks is good for him, it’s good for me too. When the tables are turned, I expect the same understanding from him also. What I know for sure is that I’m not going to let the fear of the unknown to cripple me from enjoying the best thing this life can give. There’s no guarantee that if I were to go out with my contemporary that it would be a smooth sail. Experience proves to the contrary of this actually.
Been there, done that…. Ive been in the same situation as you. But our downfall was that he never saw me as equal. Fine, he always said he did; but deep down he never did. It got to a point when he needed advise, as you mentioned, and he would always, without fail, go to someone else. Sometime you will end up having to help him financially, too. I just hope that at that time he sees you as his equal. Otherwise it will all go down in flames and then you could end up in a struggle to get your money back as he is still seeking advise from others and you just end up being a money lender and not a partner.
Stop Worrying Enjoy It. I met my BF when I was 18 and 13 yrs later we r still together. He is 7 yrs older than me. Age has never been an issue. We are both ppl who have needs and who will do our best to satisfy those needs for each other. Be it emotionally, financially, sexually, spiritually. When you meet a guy and you connect that is all that should matter. Let the rest come to you as it should. You can’t pre empt certain things. Bad stuff happens to us all but it’s how we deal with it as individuals and together as a couple that defines us. I found at the beginning it was more friends and family that were appalled at the age diff between us than we were. Outsiders can judge you, just don’t judge urself. Enjoy each other, treat each other with respect and that number (age) forget about it. We are not numbers, we are people and as a man who found his partner at a young age I say to all older guys don’t think too much about it we may just be what you want and need. Give it a shot it may surprise you:-)
I Agree With Chris. It’s not easy finding a BF but when you do who cares which era he was born and how old he is (as long as he is an adult) then we should be happy to have love. I am 25 and dating a 45 year old (and no guys there is no daddy issue here…LOL). Just enjoy what you have when you have it. It’s 2 yrs and when I see him, talk to him, be with him I’m happy. Aint love just grand. Just enjoy being with ur BF Freddy.
U r in the Minority. Lucky Bastard ….:-)
Younger Boys. What Freddy is saying is sad but true. On the flip side these youngsters don’t want to give up no matter how much you don’t give them money, they don’t wanna leave. On the other side I found that people in their 30s don’t want to commit, rather they want quick sex, or those that are not in relationships have broken hearts or are just too ugly that no one wants to be seen dead with them
age preferrances. It doesn’t matter what other people think, peoples age preferrances are their own business.
Hmmmm…. I think there are other overlooked factors as to why these “Age-dysfunctional” relationships exist. I happen to know someone (yeah, yeah that someone is me) who only dates older guys for one main reason, I consider myself an old soul and the characteristics I need for compatibility I have never found in a guy around my age. It is not that cut-and-dry!
Older. Young men want older guys because they treat you like a prince. They have the experience to look at you being rude and obnoxious and say; “Well, I’ve been there. He’ll grow up.” If they are well looked after, they often attract more attention than their younger partners when the shirts are taken off and still think, “I’m sooo lucky to have this young attractive guy next to me.” Younger guys are more self-centred, get bored and look around for alternative entertainement quickly, are more inclined to tell you to just get out of their lives when they don’t get their own way, want to be spoilt and tend to think, “Well, I’m gorgeous, so it doesn’t matter that I’m slightly overweight” (that’s if they are honest enough with themselves to admit a flaw). There are exceptions though…
i dig older. At 27, I’m 14 yrs younger that my partner. We’ve been going for 8 yrs now…and it’s just GREAT! So I suppose it depends on the person!!