RECLAIMING MY GAYNESS
I grew up in a conservative Christian home. I was aware of homosexuality from a young age and knew that it was “bad” and repulsive. High school was a difficult time as I began realising that I was different. I started becoming aware of my attraction to men and struggled to ignore it.
In Standard Eight I met a teacher who told me about “Christ-following” (as opposed to just going to church) and I was immediately attracted to it. I loved being part of a Christ-following community and became as involved as I could; working on youth camps as a leader and as part of the worship teams. While this was happening I was very aware that the Bible I believed in was telling me that a part of what was emerging in my life was wrong. So I started to pray and fought any thoughts that had any vague homosexual connotation.
When I left school and went to University I desperately wanted to be myself, but I was so afraid; afraid to disappoint God, myself and most of all, my family. I only wanted them to be pleased with me – and admitting I was gay and living a life that openly portrayed this would mean rejection. So out of love, I hated myself more…
After university I started working full time for the church as a youth pastor. No one knew what was lurking beneath the surface and I was petrified someone in the church would suspect. I came across a book on ‘counselling the homosexual’ (I could buy that and read it freely since I was working in a counselling capacity). And let me tell you, I devoured that book – looking for some morsel of hope that would free me from my gayness. It mentioned an organisation in the States that provides tools for gay men and women to change and live their lives as straight people. I found a South African branch led by a man who was now called ‘ex-gay’ and married with a daughter.
Meeting him was nerve-wracking. For the first time in my life I had someone asking me to divulge the darkest secrets of my life. He wasn’t shocked or offended. He gave me a reading list and asked me to come to the support group. And so began my journey into becoming ‘ex-gay’.
Let me tell you how the ex-gay ministry works. You have reading material and support groups where you discuss what you’ve read as well as anything happening in your ‘journey’. Prayer is an important part of the ministry; much time is spent praying for your healing. There are also conferences where people who have ‘journeyed’ out of homosexuality speak about how they have done this and how they remain on the ‘straight’ and narrow.
They are very forthright. There are no claims that you will be straight and find women attractive: the belief is that God does not replace one lust for another but that you choose to walk away from the lifestyle of homosexuality. You are never straight, you become ex-gay. They talk about redefining your masculinity; from giving you basic advice on how to sit in a more masculine way so that you are able to integrate with straight men, to discussing how being gay is a ‘broken’ version of masculinity.
The theory is that people become gay because of their circumstances. There are basically two roots to becoming a gay man. In the first, a young boy is abused and has a distorted view of his sexuality or, and this is the more common one, the cause lies in the way you are fathered.
“Like any form of repression, it has the potential to erupt at any time…”
Simply put, the ex-gay ministry believes that we come from a generation where fathers have been absent from our lives at a formative time (and some add to this the idea that the mother was more dominant) and this lack of father results in a yearning for male love. This love becomes eroticised over time and a child starts feeling attracted to members of the same sex.
I was a part of the ex-gay ministry for seven years. I moved to Cape Town after being a youth pastor and became part of a New Covenant Church where I was a leader in the worship team, a cell leader and led conferences with the senior pastor in Malaysia and Singapore. This gives you an idea of how immersed in the church I was.
Around this time I met a woman that I really did love. The ex-gay ministry encourages you to date women as a way of moving forward. They advise you to be honest with the person (which I was) and to not see them as your trophy to heterosexuality. We were together for almost three years. She was a part of every step I took and was with me as I walked away from the ex-gay ministry – and ultimately from her.
When I realised after ten years of being in the ministry that nothing had changed, I was heartbroken, and in turn I broke her heart. While the ex-gay ministry believes we can be healed of our homosexuality, I realised that this ‘healing’ was actually the repression of my feelings and desires. Like any form of repression, it has the potential to erupt at any time and, when it does, it can do damage.
I’ll tell you the cracks I saw in the ex-gay ministry which led me to walk away:
Over the years, I have seen more and more men that I knew from the ex-gay ministry returning to the place they started – as gay men. You see, I do believe in a God who heals – but not always as we want Him to.
God has healed my relationships with my family. Their acceptance of me as a gay man has been the most powerful form of love I’ve experienced because it’s an example of God’s love – unconditional. God has also healed the way I perceive myself as male – I am no less a man because I’m gay.
A verse in Romans says that nothing will separate you from the love of God – and that includes being gay (somehow the church seems to have forgotten that). I experienced that through my family. They have no expectation but for me to live my life and be happy.
I know the Bible speaks about homosexuality in a negative light. It does the same with divorce. If you take scripture at its word – you must take it all at its word. Being selective in scripture you choose to enforce is prejudice.
Barbara Johnson, a Christian writer, said something that really changed the way I see things. In her biography, where she deals with her son coming out and his disappearance from her life as a consequence, she writes, “God’s love does not demand that you change, God’s love changes you”.
So that’s where I
Good Grief. Oh please, seems like you”re looking for acceptance still. What a pity.
get a life sneezy
Handshake!. My path was quite similar to Clive”s, so I can identify with a lot of what he says. Thanks for speaking up. There are a lot of other guys and girls in the same situation.
Really?. Christianity as a crutch… seen it all before!
exactly. It has been seen before, over and over again. That is why its important to speak out about being gay and being a christian. Good on you for speaking out about something so many struggle with.
Retort. Gayness is tangible. Deal with it! Using the vagueness of purported spirituality and an all forgiving deity to gloss over personal inadequacies helps no one.
Thank you. Thank you so much for letting others read your story and use it as an example of that we must always be true to ourselves no and be our happy in our lives first and others 2nd. Fantastic read!!
That”s the truth!!!!. Thanks for sharing the light especially for those who are underpressure from family, society and the work place….
Atleast you free and you opt to live your life…”God loves us all”…
god bless you always!
but wen you have spent years praying for doing a normal family… when can you decide to give up your prayers?
sneezy……. I think you need to brush on your understanding of the english language…….this is no cry out for acceptance.
Dont you get that he has spoken out about something that torments gay men every day? And he has gotten over something that seemed insurmountable before??
This is no plea for acceptance, it is more of a revelation in life, a time when you realise how things are and how you (all of us) fit into that, not how people want us to fit into that.
An excellent, upbuilding and inspiring read.
Inspiring!. I love your feature and have forwarded it to my friends who belong to Free Community Church, an all-inclusive church in Singapore that welcomes gay people. They have been the butt of so many fundamentalist christian attacks but I admire them for their courage and perseverance in giving gay people a place where they can love God without guilt and in peace. If you ever come by Singapore again, do let us know. Your story is inspiring and gives hope to many!
>>>. Very courageous. 10 years to finally give in to your gayness!
Damn that’s Long! 🙂
Amen. True inspiration pastor!
I”m gay and a Christian too. I”ve also been baptised. Being gay and a Christian was something I have prayed about for all my life (or at least as far back as i can remember), but God taught me through interventions to accept myself just the way I am. God”s love is indeed unconditional. He accepts us, why should we reject ourselves, because of an ignorant society or church?
Gay Christians should not be ashamed of either – being gay an being a Christian. I am proud to say i”m a GAY CHRISTIAN!!!
Hmm – so this has inspired a debate??
I read a comment on facebook that said: “The article has started a debate? Oh My! – Good or Bad?”
Well the truth of debate, is it”s a bit of both – often without real resolution. The ”result” really lies in what we take away from the engagement often mixed with our own experiences and contexts.
In any event – that”s not my comment at all – my comment is that I find it rather interesting this has become a ”debate” at all…
For me some parts of the article were a reflection of myelf in a not dissimilar scenario and in many ways battling the same ”demons”. My battle was between myself and my strong Catholic upbringing.
And then, at 24, there was a moment of sorts, after having taken a wildly different path to our dear author, that I knew that I could no longer hide from myself.
I don”t think this article is about Christianity and nor do I think it”s about seeking acceptance. It is about the experience of a man who went through ”a process” that seemed to promise a ”way” – and at the same time never promised anything really. Because when he ”fell” it turned out there was no place for him within it…
We all have own experiences and our backgrounds build the context. If ones context is being ”born in Christ”, and one is gay too – then where is “the way”? Is it to be true to ones LORD, or true to ones self?
I know there are now sects of the various Christian Ministries that are gay freindly. There are however many that are not. And in his context and experience; as it was for most of us brought up in Judeao-Christian homes pre 1990”s; the ”abomanation of Homosexuality” was up there with beastiality and paedophilia (ringing any bells?).
So – as we wander down the path of life, we sometimes choose to follow what we know and hope to be able to build our sense of self within it. But sometimes – what we learn to be the ”right way” and who we are are so incongruent, that we have no choice but to break it down and build afresh.
This story has touched a very deep vein within me -since I wrestled myself far longer than I should have before finally accepting who I am. I still remain steadfast in my own beliefs… But I had to completely re-write the context along the way.
Thank you, Frank, for an intelligent response that echoes what Clive tried to convey in his article. If we had more intelligent responses it will certainly become an interesting point of reference in future. Pity the comments aren”t moderated…
Thanks. Christo –
Thanks for the comment.
As a footnote I saw the diatribe being spewed by some of the other commentators and thought to myself how unfortunate these kinds of shallow comments are. I thought I”d share my interpretations for those that seemingly missed the point.
And lasty – I”m a firm athiest, but respect that some of us need a god in our lives. I wish the entire world were more respectful in general 🙂
Klee Shay. Oh my sack! This story is so full of holes and cliches that I had to keep myself from falling apart, wracked by fits of laughter. The Benoni boy has written this for payment… get it? This is commercial contrived rubbish. Get out (gotta love that pun) and live your life! Charlize would be far quieter if she knew who else claims Benoni as home.
@Jezebel – care to elaborate??. I could get as nasty as you”ve just been… But that would make me as superficial as the scratches your painted nails inflict!
You”ve stated “This story is so full of holes and cliches…”
IF you”re goin
Too Shay. Frankie darlin” … I think I”m in love!
ah-herm. Sorry darlin – i”m taken
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Writing for payment. Hey Jezebel, just so you know, Mamba doesn”t pay its contributors. So get a life, and perhaps get an original nickname that doesn”t come from the Bible?
Well done, Clive, for speaking out to a readership who can appreciate something original and honest.
Courage. It”s courage like Clive”s showing now in speaking out about his experiences that help us all to grow. Thanks Clive for putting in writing what must be familiar to so many other people – even though it”s very personal you had the courage to share it with the rest of us and that makes you very special!
courage. Indded Tracey
reply. Clive, I am so proud of you. Well done!! I never realised what you have been through.. Would love to hear from you some time.
Gordon Harrison
084 5 747 747
Another. I”m 43 years old now. I only really came to accept who I am at the age of 40. This after a terrible marriage of 10 years, hating and punishing myself for being gay for 25 years, of which I was a reborn Christian for 15 years. Does anyone know the damage done to myself my ex (though a destructive %^&) and her children and probably countless other people during those years? I never allowed myself one bit of happiness or success. Now I”m involved with a wonderful guy and am fulfilled for the first time (two wonderful years of love and acceptance and everything else around me is prospering too; oh, and family who accept and still love me to crown it all, yippee! you better believe this is heaven to me). No church or pastor or psychologist has the answers, I know, I searched. There is no “cure”. Can God change me? Well, I believe he can, but it isn”t his business to do so, is it? Countless prayers have convinced me of this. A few things helped me realise that God”s grace is enough for me – yes, the bible says so, but the first thing I realised after my conversion is that God never asked me to change anything (how could I forget this?) He took me in as a sinner and loved me just as I was. There are countless arguments for and against, both of which I can make eloquently; I”ve practiced them in my head and done all the research for more years than I care to recount. I do not sell gayness or make converts, but what a pity that I wasted so many years being miserable. More people should talk about this, so that less make the horrible mistake of wasting their lives away. A life sentence is 25 years, I”ve served mine, and now I know what it means to be free!
A beautiful peace. A compliment to Clive”s beautiful work, carefully thought and written. A mature article that really speaks to every gay man who struggles with unecessary change in their lives. An eye opener indeed. Thank You
Tebogo
SAD SAD. Because of the same thing you where going through I am going through. But I choose to beleive that there are no God. Been there done that got the T Shirt and i am bitter…….. I wish you all the best
write up e-mailed to a church. I have e-mailed this story to a few pastors to get there views of this. Lets see and wiat
Another…. Why not send my comment too (see below)?
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Thank you Clive. We have been looking for a real life South African encounter with the “Ex-gay” movement, and had some difficulty in finding someone. This is a very important article, thanks to Mamba and Clive.
Coenie Kukkuk,
http://www.gayspeak.co.za
(We will feature this article in the new Gayspeak 75, out on Monday, Sept. 15)
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
relate. I relate to so much of this story… so wanted to add my thanks to Clive for writing this and having the courage to share it.
Also thought I”d point out a site http://www.beyondexgay.com which adds to this story…
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Yhanks for this article. Thank you Clive This article I believe can free lots of “Gay” men for what they really are!
I”m also a Christian and believe God Loves & excepted me unconditionally because HE made me to HIS Image !
Gay wees. Ek het eers op ouderdom 45 vrede gemaak met myself, en dit was die grootste oorwinning ooit om met myself en my “Gay” wees vrede te maak!
En net te besef GOD aanvaar my net soos ek is soner enige voorbehoud Baie Dabnkie Clive vir die moed om hierdie artikel te plaas ek glo dit sal bevrydend wees vir so baie “Gay” persone wat steeds in die “Closet” is!
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Gay. I love u please call me at 0722090007
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Awesome. Really Inspiring…
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Gay christian. Beautifully put – been on the exact same path. Stayed a virgin for 26 years.Eventually could not hold out. Had a wild period. Took a major car accident (possibly suicidal) for me to realise that I could either be gay and love God or be gay and hate God. I also had to be the most macho of men. Played provincial rugby, skydived and just went wild. Then came out at age 32 and had some problems with acceptance from the family until last year. Found a wondeful partner of 11 years. God loves gay people is the bottom line
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Gay. Mdu is my name .im a gay i love my side. And u love ur side.please call me at 0722090007.i love u bye
Touched. Hi there, a very touching story. I am also a Christian gay guy and I am proud that you accepted Gods unconditional love in your life and also accepted that you are gay. I remember when I was little, my pastor used to tell me that “God accepts everyone the way they are becuase He created them, He moulded and shaped us in the image He wanted us to be”. My pastor geared me up with all this because he could see that I wasa gay child and when I grew up, I accepted it and had the tools to accept Gods love for me.
Thank you very much for sharing your story as it made me realize that I was not alone in my walk with God being a gay Christian.
God bless.
Hello Dearrest one!. Hello Dearrest one!
Hello dear one,How are you doing in life, I Want to introduce my self to you before i could go further, I am a lady Lauiser by name From the Continent of africa but presently in Senegal Dakar i came accross your profile which really sound so interesting of you so i decided to drop a note to let you know that i am intrested in you for friendship that may lead to serious relationship . Please if you are interested i will like you to email me back at my email address so that i can send you my photos and tell you more about myself. (lauiser12@yahoo.co.th ) This is my email i am waiting to get a reply
from you.Lauiser
THANKS.
Priority?. Hi, I know gay people and most of them are very nice and good people, but as you know God does not accept it, in a way it is immoral sexually.
I see it as a terminal sickness which you have to live with all your life or have faith that Jesus can change your thoughts and make you strong that you will not fall for the temptations.
We as Christians need to repent and walk away from sin, if we decide that we chose to live a life of sin(gay) it means that we are not making God our first priority!
Nobody said it will be easy to follow the narrow path, but for all your suffering you will be blessed in your eternal life with the Creator. How can we enter the Kingdom of God if we are covered with sin? Do you really think God is going to accept gay people in Heaven if He thinks it is an abomination? Being gay is a lifestyle and we as men or women are not created to be intimate with the same sex!
I know it must be very difficult , but at the end of the day you must decide who is more important in your life, Jesus or a gay lifestyle? Remember now, our life on earth is very limited, but its the only time we have to make a choice on how we are going to spend our eternal life!
Choose wisely!
Priorities…. Maybe you should read the new article by Clive, “Shall we Dance”, before you carry on with your judgeMental arguments.
We’re faced with lots of choices as gay men and women. Our ‘gayness’ is not one of them though.
I’ve chosen to have someone by my side, for as long as I can, who will walk through this life with me, with love. If I loose out later. So be it, at least I will have had one life lived to it’s fullest.
This kind of condemnation makes me very sad, because your judgements tend to push good people away from their God.
lm looking straight, but I’m gay. I went through your life story, and I’m really touched because some of the things you have mentioned are similar to mines. Especially when starting from your life at school, till you grown up. I grew up in a very street Christian family that is my family. I tried all, but the spirit of gay doesnt want to move away from me. Sometimes this kind of life stresses me. To be gay, I dont take it as somebody’s choice. May be others who are gay have turned themselves to gay life style, because they were willing to benefit something. I have accepted that, ”I AM GAY BY NATURE”.
I was born gay, but I’m looking straight. I try to hide, but spiritually or emotionally I fail to hide. Those who are intelligence they catch me.
Any way thanx for sharing such touching article. I’m really touched. Those who are taking chances in this life, can change now.
lm looking straight, but I’m gay. I went through your life story, and I’m really touched because some of the things you have mentioned are similar to mines. Especially when starting from your life at school, till you grown up. I grew up in a very street Christian family that is my family. I tried all, but the spirit of gay doesnt want to move away from me. Sometimes this kind of life stresses me. To be gay, I dont take it as somebody’s choice. May be others who are gay have turned themselves to gay life style, because they were willing to benefit something. I have accepted that, ”I AM GAY BY NATURE”.
I was born gay, but I’m looking straight. I try to hide, but spiritually or emotionally I fail to hide. Those who are intelligence they catch me.
Any way thanx for sharing such touching article. I’m really touched. Those who are taking chances in this life, can change now.