For Dorian Offrè Ntlali, growing up intersex meant navigating a world that often questioned who they were before they had the language to understand themselves.
Raised in a family with a strong traditional healing background, Ntlali’s differences were initially understood through cultural and spiritual beliefs rather than as a natural variation in human sex characteristics. Instead of receiving answers, they encountered dismissal, confusion and pressure to conform.
“I didn’t grow up thinking ‘I am intersex’. I grew up thinking ‘I am just a weird kid’,” Ntlali tells MambaOnline.
As the head of outreach and social media personnel at Alexandra Rainbow Clan, Ntlali now shares their experiences to help others understand the realities of intersex lives, particularly in communities where information and representation remain limited.
Their story is one of navigating rejection, finding community and continuing to seek belonging while embracing the person they are.
Growing up without answers
Ntlali recalls that their childhood was shaped by constant questions about their identity and repeated expectations that they should conform to the gender they had been assigned.
“I always tell people, ‘I was told I’m a girl’ almost daily. I didn’t really know what made me different, but I just knew,” they say.
Their mother, a traditional healer whose family also has a history of healing, initially struggled to understand their experiences. Ntlali says their differences were interpreted through a spiritual lens, with the assumption that something needed to be cleansed or changed.
Looking back, they recognise that their mother had grown up without knowledge of intersex people and did not understand that their differences could be a natural part of human diversity.
Ntlali says they underwent ceremonies and rituals intended to make them conform, as well as conversion therapy. None changed who they were.
“From my own experience, intersex variations are misunderstood and are interpreted through cultural and spiritual beliefs as something that needs to be fixed,” they explain.
The pressure to conform extended beyond the home. In Alexandra, they were frequently asked whether they were a girl or a boy, while their clothing choices also attracted scrutiny.
At school, they faced questions and public reactions that made them feel they constantly had to defend themselves. When a private school’s uniform rules required them to wear girls’ clothing, they chose to attend a public school where they could wear trousers and focus on their education.
The experience left them feeling isolated, particularly during childhood, when they wished someone would listen without trying to change them.
“I wished someone would understand me better and question with me as we go, or at least be on my side, for once,” they recall.
Finding community and understanding their intersex identity
For years, Ntlali struggled to find information that could help them understand their body. They say that in their community, conversations about sexual orientation and gender diversity often left little room for understanding intersex experiences.
Even after doctors identified differences in their hormone levels, Ntlali says they were not given a clear explanation of their intersex identity. Repeated referrals left them without the answers they needed, and they eventually stopped following up.
After experiencing a prolonged period of depression, they began reaching out to activists and sharing their experiences on Facebook. One of those connections led them to Crystal Hendricks, then coordinator of Intersex South Africa, an organisation advocating for intersex people’s rights.
For Ntlali, encountering other intersex people was a turning point.
“It was the first time ever seeing other intersex people. It was a real shift in my life,” they say.
Through these connections, they began learning more about their body and the diversity of intersex experiences. The knowledge helped them understand that they were not alone and that their differences did not make them abnormal.
“Now, I’ve since healed that ‘weird kid’. In fact, I’m still healing, but I am proud to be different now. I know I’m not alone.”
Their journey towards self-acceptance continues, but finding a community where their experiences were recognised gave them a sense of possibility they had previously lacked.
Navigating intersex identity and traditional healing
Ntlali’s relationship with African spirituality remains an important part of their life, although their journey into traditional healing has been complicated by the limited understanding of gender diversity in some traditional settings.
While their mother is a traditional healer, Ntlali clarifies that they have not yet completed their own journey. They began participating in rituals, wearing beads and carrying out certain practices, but say they have struggled to progress in an environment where they do not always feel understood.
As someone who does not want to be confined by gender-specific expectations, they often find themselves navigating how others perceive them.
“When I am with other healers in the township, it is challenging. They see a man when they look at me, so they call me ‘mkhulu’. Then when they learn I am trans or intersex, they call me ‘gogo’,” they explain.
For Ntlali, the issue is not African spirituality itself, but the prejudice that can shape how people interpret gender diversity within traditional spaces.
They believe there needs to be room for intersex and gender-diverse people to participate without being forced into categories that do not reflect their experiences.
Their spiritual journey is also connected to their relationship with their mother and the possibility of continuing her healing legacy.
“I am gifted and I know I am chosen to continue my mother’s healing legacy,” they say.
Yet, they remain at a crossroads, seeking a sense of belonging that would allow them to continue this journey on their own terms.
Ntlali also reflects on how their mother’s beliefs, which prevented certain medical interventions during their childhood, shaped their experiences. While they acknowledge this, they stress that avoiding surgery does not invalidate the challenges they have faced.
“Seeking belonging for a lifetime is not a joke,” they say.
A call for acceptance, not correction
As Intersex Awareness Day is observed, Ntlali wants families, traditional healers and communities to understand that intersex people should not be treated as problems that need to be corrected.
For families, their message is direct: listen to children, respect their privacy and resist the pressure to make them conform to other people’s expectations.
“Don’t force your child to be something they are not. Listen to them and be on their side, for once,” they urge.
They also call for greater access to information so that intersex children and adults can better understand their bodies and make informed decisions about their lives.
For intersex people who may be struggling with rejection or isolation, Ntlali encourages self-love, learning and protecting one’s safety and privacy while seeking appropriate support.
They recognise that self-acceptance can be difficult when the world continually questions one’s identity, but believe that understanding oneself can help build confidence and open up possibilities for the future.
Their message to traditional healers and African communities is equally important: intersex people deserve recognition and a place within their communities without being viewed as needing cleansing or fixing.
“We need placement. There is still no space for us to be gender diverse and belong. We are gifted and chosen too,” they say.
“The change I want to see is recognition, respect, and support: intersex people recognised as normal and different, respected in families, schools, and traditional settings.”
Ntlali’s story highlights the importance of making space for intersex people to speak for themselves, particularly in communities where silence and misconceptions can leave people struggling to understand who they are.
Their journey is not yet complete. They are still learning, healing and seeking belonging. But the child who once felt like a “weird kid” now has a message for others who may be asking the same questions they once did: difference is not something that needs to be erased.
As Ntlali puts it, intersex people are “limited edition”, and their lives deserve to be recognised, respected and valued.
