AM I A STEPFORD FAG?
In the last couple of months so many things have changed in my life. This year, the process of changing jobs, buying a new house and now trying to sell our current home, my now relentless work schedule and numerous other events have left me little time to sit back and reflect. However, today, in the car on my way home, a conversation regarding the way we viewed life when we were in our twenties forced me to sit back and consider my life now that I am in thirties. As I measured how my life has changed since I was 20 and how different it is from what I expected it to be, I came to ask myself a shocking question: Have I become a Stepford Fag?
Stepford Fags are described in the urban dictionary as “a gay couple who are nice, sexless and nonthreatening. Typically they live in the suburbs, have an immaculate house and yard and don’t scare the neighbours while they are in fact just as much a slave to heterosexual establishment as everyone else”.
While in my twenties I would instead have been described as a social butterfly. I partied the night away most of the week, knew all the regulars at all the night clubs by name and as my husband and I started dating shortly before my 21st birthday, they knew us as a couple. We became friends with the elite gay socialites at the time and regular fixtures at all the popular GLBT events.
In between my busy social schedule I managed to finish my studies and started working. However, during this time my social life was my priority and my studies and work were seen simply as time fillers until the next party. I went to class and later to work with very little sleep, sometimes a hangover and the odd glittery souvenir of the previous night’s party stuck in my hair.
In one incident I showed up for work minus an eyebrow. During the previous night’s strip show at the club the flame throwing stripper had scorched it off. My husband and I also thought it funny to wear matching outfits to clubs, which in retrospect was silly; not only because it’s such a cliché thing to do but isn’t it bad enough that we share the same first name? As the years passed our regular appearances on the club circuit became less frequent as work demands and responsibility increased and we reduced our social excursions to weekends.
“What seemed important and satisfactory to me a few years ago no longer had the same appeal…”
Being young, wild, attractive and popular I didn’t give much thought to the future. At that age I thought I would stay young, pretty and thin forever. Never once did I consider getting married as I was of the firm belief that it was something straight people did to make it more difficult for them to split up. Being in a happy relationship and having moved in together I was quite content with the way things were. We didn’t need a contract to ensure our relationship would last! The house with the white picket fence, dogs, cats and children was as frightening to me as a cheesecake to an anorexic. I was happy, thin, in a relationship with the man I loved and surrounded with glitter balls, strobe lights, music, drag queens and friends. What more does a young gay man want?
Then, during my late twenties my metabolism decided it would skip a few years ahead and began to slow down. As the pounds started packing on and my infamous leather pants and tight, skimpy shirts started to take strain to the point of me no longer being able to squeeze into them, I realised that it was time for them to retire.
The late nights at clubs over the weekends also showed signs of taking their toll and became less frequent. Before I knew it my social butterfly days were numbered and my priorities had shifted. The process was so gradual it happened without any distinct detection. What seemed important and satisfactory to me a few years ago no longer had the same appeal. More time was spent focusing on my career. Night clubs were replaced with dinner and movies with friends and quiet evenings at home. My relationship had evolved to a more mature level and friendships deepened beyond superficialities and hedonistic interests.
When gay marriage was legalised my husband and I didn’t give it a second thought and tied the knot literally a few weeks later. My twenty-something view of marriage had transformed: I now understood that marriage was more than just a contract that would cost you half of everything you owned if you wanted to get out of it. The house with the white picket fence now also drew my attention and became a reality. The twenty year old finally grew up.
I transformed from a club-hopping shooter-downing socialite to a career driven married man. Does this now mean I have become a Stepford Fag? As per the definition I would have to say Yes and No.
Yes; we are a nice couple, live in the suburbs, have an immaculate home and yard and we don’t scare the neighbours (on purpose that is). However, we most certainly aren’t sexless (of that we have quite enough) and are not slaves to the heterosexual establishment nor do we want to imitate it. We are who we are; some people might find this threatening and not approve but I say the hell with them. So if I am considered a Stepford Fag, I am very proud to be one and highly recommend it. All fairies have to grow up some time!
Stepford Fags. Brilliantly said. Couldn’t have put it better myself. I am just jealous of you that you had the “Glamor days” as those pretty much missed me by. And i am only 25 lol.
My Life Story. Wow, you’ve just articulated my life story. Great job.
Excellent!
Well spoken. Well spoken Pierre. We need to be taken through all the stages of life and articles like yours help us to be comfortable with who we are……..
Here is hoping we all find our way to becomming Stepford Fags …Many might deny that this is not the path they would like there life to take but deep down inside we all wish and pray that we will end up living our lives is a Stepfords Fags way …
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR STARFISH. PIERRE. OH, POOR, LITTLE, MIDDLE-CLASS YOU…
Your piece is an onerous ode to the self… Pierre, I’m sure that you’re stunning, happy, well-rounded and all that… Did you seriously have to WRITE AN ARTICLE to take stock of how wonderful you truly are? Who edits your mutters?!?
They ought to be fired, if not sent to write classifieds!
I am taken aback by how unilateral your perspective is. Somehow, you casually palm off how typical your experiences are compared to mine (or any other
reader’s). Was this a late-night submission from your glittery diary, after a hangover and a rectal collapse?
When I started reading, I thought that you might write something with substance, direction and purpose – the disappointment was bewildering.
I’m nothing like you. In fact, people like you made me feel inferior in the social realm that was meant to help me find some solace & belonging. It didn’t
matter that I was much smarter, better educated or more well-heeled than you could hope to be.
Bottom line: I was not pale, anorexic or easy.
That gave the likes of you a ticket to samba at my expense and ostracise my kind to the fringes of a club.
Your fabulous kin never even returned the friendly gest my friends and I offered. In fact, they thought nothing of pulling in on my company – not because
they were attracted, but they saw an instrument to remind me of my place in the world (or subterranian to yours?)
I’m whistles away from 30 – and I find it a good reason to celebrate how I outlived the odds for a young male (black, coloured or anywise). Say what you want, it’s all about white guys marking territory. Everyone else is secondary – be they superior or not – a sad numbers game where you outnumber me.
Don’t you dare think of referring to me as a politician (I’m not racist, ignorant or permanently located in some gravy train) – I’m the spectator of a tragic crash that we call Gay SA.
I have ignored all social afflictions to become a successful person – in spite conditions imposed by the likes of you.
When next you mouth off about how stunning you WERE, how pretty you WERE and how Botox shots sting you, consider that it may not have come at your expense, but at the expense of those you trod
on to make yourself feel better. The overweight guys, the short guys, the older guys. All of whom facilitated this pathetic, lyrical rendition of your status quo.
So… you’re fat, expired and out of favour – well, my heart pumps lumps, Pierre. To mutual fortune, be glad that I don’t even know who you are as a person.
There are bigger tragedies than your boep and narcissim. Get your head out of your
experienced ring and save someone who needs REAL help. Make some effort to include a broader perspective. Damnit, buy a designer heart (a complementary bottle of ubuntu comes standard). Be a role model and you might be able to pad out
an article that won’t tug at the raw strings of your victims.
Barry
PS: If you challenge my opinion, say something and include a reachable address.
Huh?. I am sorry, but your babble here is doing the exact opposite of what you accuse Pierre of doing. Geez, you are THIS bitter and not even 30 yet! And this is all about how non-fabulous you think you are and whose fault it is. Im sure you are more fabulous than you give yourself credit for.
If you cannot relate, then don’t, but don’t blame those who can for the fact that you can’t.
I really sincerely do hope that, even you cannot relate to all that is said here, that you also find your own happiness, and become a different kind of Stepford Fag.
Some honesty…hehehe
wow. well written. and all true. there’s a lot of emotional stuff here that this poor sap shouldn’t be a scapegoat for. The most you could do is nail him for his superficial and unoriginal writing. Which you have in quite spectacular fashion! Some advice from somebody on the other side of 30; work towards being slightly less angry and write more. Lots more! Perhaps yours should be the words that appear regularly on this site and not P’s!? Just a thought. *smiley*
Watching a tale as old as time. Having read the article and then reading Barry’s comments all i see is a tale as old as time.
None ever looks for the good, only the bad.
Its seems a cord has been struck.
I do not wish to take sides. I am making a comment for everyone to agree or disagree with.
Pierre was able to look back at his past with a smile on his face and i am sure a few laughs in-between. You on the other hand look at your past with bitterness and hatred towards others and I think towards yourself.
Let go of the past its eating you from within.
You accuse Pierre and the rest of his friends as having imposed conditions upon you and your social circles… well thats is just a silly thing to do, as when Pierre was 20 i hardly think he was old enough to be involved in the old South Africa let alone go to the bathroom on his own.
You say you are not racist….. take a read of what you wrote.
I have to agree with you, in you calling for people to take up cause for the greater good, however i think you have chosen the wrong platform to do so.
A Fly on the Wall
@Barry. Barry
Adversity, indifference and discrimination were and sadly still is part of Gay SA. I am sorry that you felt inferior in the social realm due to “people like me”. From your comment however I infer that back then and now y
Stepford fag. FAntastic!!
We are part of the group, but we have plenty of sex….from the kitchen to the pool.. all over the house!! and i’m not sorry about it!!
don juan
@Barry. Gosh you sound like an angry individual. Pierre, well said. During a reent introspective session, I experienced the same feelings that you have verbalised. Whilst I did go out of my way to avoid the established social “leaders” of gay society, I d
My last word.. Pierre, thanks for your e-mail, which reads:
“Barry,
I don’t know what issues you have or had with the gay community, but it’s best move on with your life. Also don’t generalize, by thinking just because I am white I am one of those racist people. You have no idea who I am and what I have done in my life. I have been an active participant in the gay rights movement and my family sacrificed more than you will ever know to fight apartheid. So I take great umbrage at you racist and utterly unfounded attack on Mamba.
To think that I had to sacrifice my childhood for someone like you, had to see my parents suffer so that your family could vote and be free! You should be ashamed. I thought SA had made great strides since 1994, and here you go and show that we haven’t.
Really Barry, take a look at your life and try and find some peace. Let the past go, if not you will never be able to free from anger and hate.
Pierre “
____________________________________________________________
Now, after reading both messages, I’m hardly surprised that you express two contrasting sentiments: the public pleasantry and then your real opinion.
Here’s my bottom line:
You’ve missed the gist of my message.
Race was fractional in the list of points that I made.
My beef with you is the poor choice of wording, narrow perspective, an extensive celebration of yourself and that you send a message suggesting that it’s cool to be trite. I repeat, race is just ONE influence. Stop grappling so obsessively to it.
The rest include: vanity, self-righteousness and vacuous rambling.
My beef is not with you as a man ? it is with your article and the values engendered. You espouse the crappiest qualities that someone like me has to live down on a regular basis. I will say exactly the same thing about monkeys like Julius Malema. Straight people believe that so many of us aspire to be like you ? frankly, I’m tired of re-proving myself for my sexuality and race ? it’s exhaustive and thankless. Read my message again (carefully, this time) and don’t jump the gun too soon.
You’ve got a handy platform ? put it to better use than scribbling nonsense about being a Stepford fag (seriously?!?). Your writing was not entertaining, not constructive, not enlightening and represented the flimsiness of gay society. To set the record straight, my white boyfriend, friends, family and associates understand that everyone (including me) made sacrifices in this country. Criticising your words does not equal a 15-year socio-political recession ? neither of us has that much influence. You’ve given yourself enough applause with your article ? stop asking me to clap for your martyrdom and self-sacrifice. It’s pathetic and annoying. If I choose to inflict my verbal rage at you, there will be no doubt in your mind (whatsoever), when you encounter it.
Next time, choose your subject with better care and get a second opinion, if need be.
Now… it’s 5:30AM. I’m partied out, hungry and sleepy. In spite of this encounter, I think you have potential to redeem yourself. Do better in your future endeavours.
Oh Barry…. Oh Barry, you really are so self-absorbed you fail to realise that you are guilty of exactly what you accuse Pierre of doing. Who are you to decide, with such humourless righteousness, that Pierre’s values and life are trite?
And really, who are you decide unilaterally for the rest of us that his article is not entertaining. I found it to have its tongue firmly in its cheek and be quite engaging. Based on the other comments, I suspect that there are a fair amount of people that feel the same that I do.
You, and many others out there, may not be able to relate to what this piece is about and that’s okay. But that does not mean that others do not – or that they should feel less about themselves and their lives for doing so.
I have no problem with you questioning the stereotypical gay experience and the values related to this – that makes for potentially valuable debate – but the personal and aggressive way that you have done so exposes your personal fault lines.
“Play the ball, not the man”, is what I believe the straights often say…
Your own haughty arrogance is no different from that which you so energetically oppose.
Actually I agree with Barry. This was a vacuous piece of shit that bored me after the second paragraph. Pretty much like everything else on this website.
If it bored you why did you continue reading?
If you don’t like it don’t read it. As simple as that.
I enjoyed reading it.
Some will relate (I do) and some won’t.
What happened to reading something and not search your soul for some way to attack other people.
Stop blaming others for your own life, if you cant then seek professional help.
Well written Pierre.
really. But still you are here every day, bored to death, to leave a few nasty comments about how shit this site is…. hmmm
vacuous rambling – haha! Love it!
@Barry. Well I think we both had our say now and I stand by both my messages to you.
The race issue I choose to raise with you in private because I didn’t want to use this platform for a debate on apartheid’s legacy. This still is and probably wil
Maturing any way we want. Dear Pierre,
I want to thank you for your piece. Having read the comments that followed, I have been moved to add mine to the dialogue.
I’ve been writing on-and-off for gay publications for more that 10 years now, having contributed to gay pride movements, activist calls-to-action and projects for longer than this. The serious side of being gay (in South Africa, or anywhere else, for that matter) brings out the best and worst in us.
I was chuckling to myself as I laughed with you and your reflections on growing old whilst gay. Ours is the most ageist of communities, perhaps our true Achilles heel. Having always cultivated friends across age barriers and race divides that did, and do, exist in our rather diverse “community”, I’ve had the pleasure and the distain of experiencing the highs and lows of gay life, both public and private.
Rising above negativity is truly what we (gay guys and lesbian girls, transgendered folk, those elusive bisexuals and intersexed comrades) are very good at. I’ve long held that our groups are the most universally oppressed minorities across the globe.
It pays to laugh with and at ourselves. Taking lesser issues too seriously harms the real struggle against sexism, racism and rampant homophobia (and bigotry in general). Our democracy lives when we honestly and honourably defend our hard won freedoms and ignore the ranting of others.
Oh, and it’s best not to write too early or too late… one never knows how others might interpret that…
ugh jason F. reading this was like watching an old ep of Murder she wrote – bored the shit out of me!
Grow up. Even Peter Pan had to grow up, and there will always be a little Peter Pan in all of us, even when we in our 40s…
Who would have thought. Who would have thought that this article would have sparked such a vast contrast in reactions. I guess it just goes to show how diverse and, in some cases, dived the GLBT community can be.
you and your writing. perhaps a 1st step wud be to stop writing xclusively about being gay and gay issues etc.
?
BARRY!. Hooray for Barry. He’s fucking angry and issue laden but he clearly has a functional brain. And as far as creative and argumentative writing goes, i’d rather read his shopping list than another bad SATC inspired yawn-er!
Blog. My blog profile reads “I am the queer you either love or hate” and how prophetic those words ended up being.
Yes I can be controversial,
Yes I have an opinion,
Yes I focus on writing from a gay perspective.
All of this has caused me getting hate mails from religious right wing groups across the world (Christians, Muslims, Hindu, Jews, Catholics etc) and as is evident also from the GLBT community.
Whether people agree or disagree with my Blog and its contents I will persist.
Whether I am writing of my latest Botox treatment, Relationships, Homophobic Homos or the Human Rights Abuses in Uganda and the stigma of HIV and Aids, I am voicing my opinion, experience and my own interpretation.
My Blog is also an open forum for debate and all inputs are welcome.
Some people will relate, other people will not but at least all people have the freedom to choose what they read.
PS: My Blog also have a fair share of heterosexual followers, which makes for some unique perspectives.
r u. more the afrikaans queer Oprah or the afrikaans queer Sarah J Parker?
YOU. So modest! Hey! Julius, what you doing on a gay page! Tired of picking on the DA??????????/
JP/Blog…. Apologies, Meant to responds to JP. With the JP – Blog… post
Pierre, just man-up and go away. You’re getting on my nerves.. Hi Pierre,
What’s with this e-mail?:
*****************************************
“Barry
Btw, I would actually like to hear what your real issue is/was with me and/or my article. Unlike you, I will not publish it on Mamaba or my blog. As you asked me for my e-mail address I assumed you wanted to address it with me personally, so if you don’t mind please drop me an e-mail explaining your views.
I must admit I do find this rather public defamatory and rather personal attack distasteful and would much rather settle it in a more amicable manner. But then it’s up to you.
If you don’t want to address your issues with me in private, I will have to assume you do not have a sincere interest in the matter and could infer a malicious motive.
Pierre”
*****************************************
Do you have a fetish for public humiliation or something?
The sole purpose of offering you my mail address was for allowing you room to respond ? not to form a friendship or start a slugfest with you. Besides, if you force my hand, YOU WILL LOSE. Understand?
You’re starting to sound like an incensed, crazy person that’s invading my personal space and THAT is pissing me off very seriously. Get over this nonsense and move on.
If you feel an overwhelming need to mull this over, call a fabulous buddy or debate it with someone else or take a writing class or… whatever.
To be clear: I don’t know you personally and I don’t want to, either.
Barry your mommy is calling you…. I think Barry needs to get a life, now you know why you have no friends. Pessimists live a life of loneliness, never allows anyone close because the world and the happy people owe them everything.
You might think your smarter or better educated but you got allot of growing up to do still (good luck with that)
Change your perception on life, if you so smart you should figure out a way. Start living your life and stop judging those who have a life.
you. have that playground ponytail pulling little bitch thing down pat Flower. Wow that must’ve really stung old Barry hey? Bet you he’s doubled-over in tears and doing some HEAVY introspection now!!!!
Barry is Piere’s ex. Barry, it sounds like you are an angry ex trying to make Pierre’s life miserable, trying to ge back at him. Shame
r u. a child?
private emails. Barry, why would you offer him your email so that you can communicate in private and then post that emails he send you on here? WTF?
dude, you seriously have issues.
i don’t necessarily agree with all Pierre has to say but you are way out of line, nothing gave you the right act the way you have. This is not the way to go about it. shame on you…
who. r u – the fag conflict police? The judge Goldstone of minor homosexual skirmishes?
Oh Barry. Oh Barry, wake up and smell the pansies. I am hardly humiliated. For in case you haven’t noticed you are the one being slammed on here not me. Queers can be such bitches…
I find your rants here both ironic and somewhat fascinating. Just last week I wrote about Homophobic Homos and you seem to fit the bill quite nicely.
So when you eventually reach a lucid state of mind, you’d understand that at this point the only thing I am doing when reading your comments is having a good chuckle.
barry/pierre. he doesn’t hate all homos dear, just you.
bitches…. “Queers can be such bitches…”
Who’s the fag hating the fags now? we all like dick – that’s where it ends my friend.
Keegan (ex). Oh gosh no, I would never have date someone like him. Maybe he and JP should hook-up sound like they have much in common.
pierre. do you have a leaky boy gwat? is that why you are soooo disagreeable? Have y’all gotten a particularly potent batch of hair peroxide down there in P-toria? Did it seep into your brain?
Hehe. Yip, I know he’s not really an ex, it just sounds as vindictive as an angry ex could be.
I find myself wondering, seeing how he handles this whole thing, if the “slim and popular” people he likes to blame for his lack of acceptance, really was the reason for it…
Great Article. I think that the girls need a lot of growing up too!! really great article – thank you!
i 4 1. wud love to see a gallery of Pierre x2 in their matching outfits!
Barry & JP. what the F@# is your problem? grow up you’re behaving like naughty children. if you can’t I suggest you F-off…
I agree Martin. Jp & Barry should take their lack of maturity and ignoramus sentiments and shuff it where the sun doesn’t shine. They give a whole new addition to the term anal retentive pricks. Pierre clearly tried to engage Barry in a respectful manner but Barry shun this gesture showing he’s infact pathetic and meak. Pierre don’t pay attention to the rantings of persistant idiots. Keep blogging!
WTF. I have been following Pierre’s blog almost since its d?but. Reading through these comments especially that of the antagonists all I can say is good for you Pierre!!! Once you’re controversial, you know you have it made. I especially liked that the references made to you as the “South African” Oprah Winfrey or Sarah Jessica Parker was meant as an insult. LMAO! Pierre you sure know how to create a buzz, you must come to LA and work as a publicist, some Hollywood stars can do with your talent. I will inbox you. Good job!
ugh. Great. A Yank and two people who can’t find the spell check on their computers. Nifty little fan club you’ve got going dear. I give up. Go forth ye emaciated, eyebrow plucked, shiny skinned, vain and vapid, bad shoe wearing, no brain beneath your sticky-up hairstyles masses. Do whatever and believe whatever you like, but know this regarding this man’s writing: the format is unoriginal; the content is predictable, boring and obvious and the grammar and sentence construction (even after it has been corrected by Luiz or whoever at Mamba) is atrocious. If you don’t see at least that, then you need to trot on down to wherever you received your secondary education and ask for a refund. I don’t always pretend to be right about everything but fuck me if I’m wrong about that!
Finally…. JP, go back to burning your crosses and making people you deem inferior sit at the back of your busses. Just remember history teaches us lessons we don’t want to learn. So keep living in your secluded world and keep on condemning other people and countries you don’t know anything about. Your ignorance and lack of education is obvious. No wonder you and your troubled friend are so terribly confused.
Howie. Hun. Go sit on one of those landmines your government recently refused to ban.
jp. I’ll make sure my government design a special land mine for you to sit on.
Maybe a bang up your ass would help clear your anal retentiveness. It’s evident you have not had much action in that department in a while.
Grow up, it’s entertaining making fun of you, but I actually have a life and I suggest you get one too!
fuck.. You.