IN DEFENCE OF BOTTOMS
There comes a time in every coming out story when the mother, mischievous and cocky with wine, finally plucks up the courage to ask the question that’s been wriggling to get out since she first clapped eyes on the first boyfriend. The question that is simultaneously endearing in its naiveté and infuriating in its baggage: “But, who is the man and who is the woman?”
Fortunately, in my case, my mother was then so overwhelmed with WASPy prudish horror that she immediately covered her ears, shook her head and changed the subject, and I never had to answer, beyond reprimanding her for being so hetero-normative (I was a very political teenager).
I found it funny watching her squirm in the uncomfortable silence that followed the question, the silence that betrayed that she had, gayness aside, just asked her son how he likes his sex.
But then it suddenly made me angry. It made me angry because I realised she had assumed I was, in her words, ‘the woman’. And I was then made doubly angry by annoyance at myself for being angry at that assumption in the first place. What was wrong with being a bottom? Why was I so defensive; unless my mother’s clumsy phrase had unearthed in me a whole swathe of insecurities and issues? Did I buy into the world’s view of receptive sex as disempowering and emasculating?
If you think about it, the entire English language is structured around the idea that being a receptive partner is humiliating. The relationship between the person fucking and the person being fucked is a metaphor for so many situations in life, from taxes and store rip-offs (protagonist = being fucked) to acing an exam or proving a boss wrong (protagonist = fucking the world). We define whether we are indomitable or victimised by our idea of sex. It is truly bizarre. It betrays the fact that the mainstream assumption in our culture about sex is that it is a relationship of power and domination.
“Are the versatile among us the most balanced humans on earth? A perfect mix of yin and yang?”
That is a peculiarly patriarchal and distasteful paradigm. What about love? Or even fun and enjoyment? Who decided that only one partner in the sexual act could be proud of enjoying it, and the other should feel shame? And what does this little linguistic twist mean for women? And, bringing this back to the point at hand, bottoms?
When we’re not carefully constructing our points of view to be polite and open-minded and modern, do we secretly all think that being a receptive partner is embarrassing, or “more gay” than being an active partner? The Ancient Greeks only considered the receptive partner to be gay, in fact.
The nature of roles in gay relationships is really interesting. Are the versatile among us the most balanced humans on earth? A perfect mix of yin and yang, masculine and feminine, transcendent over historical shackles, resplendent above the linguistic cages, social expectations and psychological torments of straight (and straight-like) relationships? As comfortable being the stay-at-home dad or the captain of industry.
And the not-so-versatile: what makes them what they are? Is it daddy issues? Self-hatred? Or something much more straightforward, natural and unavoidable, like a subdivision of sexual orientation, or taste in music? Is being a bottom just further along the spectrum that stretches from straight to bisexual to gay? Or is it, as I suspect (knowing quite a number of camp tops and shoulder-punching bottoms) an entirely unrelated spectrum, with different causes and different implications?
My friend loves to say that bottoms ought to be entitled to BEE privileges as they are a disadvantaged people. I don’t know how much subliminal damage has been done through socialisation and Christianity and the Ancient Greeks. But if they are oppressed, they are oppressed by the same forces that keep women down and stop humanity from reaching its full potential.
Which means, in some strange way, that taking it up the bum, and enjoying it, is essential to move us from an aggressive world of domination, to one of love and freedom. It is a noble act of social emancipation. And mothers everywhere should be proud of their sons for fighting the good fight.
Brilliant. LOLEST!!! Thank you Al. This as hillarious as it is true. Great writing. But if truth be told, I have always worried about being found out that I enjoy bottoming at times to such an extent that even now, I never really give it all away when my boyfriend fucks me. I am a top you know, and a black Zulu top for that matter!! What true blooded Zulu man enjoys being fucked, really!!!? Well, I met a very nicely proportioned guy in Durban, yes another Zulu, who gave me such a nice drilling, I had to confess to him that he was a master. I now go to him everytime I need a servicing. But I still cannot confess to my lover of 8 years. I don’t know what to call that.
-. That’s simple. That can be called cheating.
Oooo. Ooooooooo lawwwd!! BITCH FIIIIIGHT!!
?. fucking hell… some see it as cheating, i see it as kinda sad, coz ur meant to be completely open and honest with ur partner… if he cannot deal with the fact that u love a good dick up ur arse, then call it quits. because that means ur denying urself from being 100% happy with this guy.
just be honest with him. and stop lying to yourself. AND USE A CONDOM.
peace out!
-. So… that makes fucking around alright? Putting your health and your partner’s health at risk, betraying his trust, making a lie of whatever you share…
The point of Mthokozi’s post is that he himself cannot come to terms with his own sexualit
Yes…. I really enjoyed the article, think it is some thing allot of gay guys struggle with and it is ridicules, but once again this is what general assumption has done to us as people.
We are more concerned about what people would think of us, instead of doing what makes us happy.
But I dont not believe taking it up the ass means youre a lesser person, if that makes you happy, be happy. Dont worry what other people think.
“I am what I am!”
just. really well written. bum fucking will save us all! Love it!
J.
Confused…. I don’t get this whole “TOP”, “BOTTOM” thing. I loooove men. They’re just so manly, mischievous, self-aware, and the anatomy so much more appealing than women, who are overly concerned with things and emotion. Uurgh! So, that makes me gay. I still like to fuck, like any man out there and soon discovered the pleasure of being fucked too. Jippee! I can have it both ways and love either. I don’t want to be restricted to any traditional roles. And men who are just “TOP” have just not discovered that the discomfort goes away and that “nothing compares, nothing compares! (sung at the top of my lungs as I’m dancing down the passage)”. Maybe I’m just as screwed *Ooops, politically incorrect statement if the writer’s comments are anything to go by* as everyone else…
re. Well put…..you go gitl!
this article is incomplete! P2 plz!
The Truth is…. It all comes down to internal-homophobia. I think the biggest problem other than straight people oppressing gays is gays oppressing fellow gays. There are a lot of queers out there who hate effeminate / camp gays (even the camp ones hate fellow campers) and they associate being a bottom with camp.
I love the effeminate homos, damn it – I’m a bit effeminate myself! Let’s be honest, it’s the camp homo that started the gay liberation. It’s the camp homo who isn’t afraid to shout: I’m queer and I’m here, get used to it!
It’s the ‘girlie boys’ that are flying the rainbow flag high. You might think that camp guys are weak but I think they are courageous.
There is nothing wrong with being masculine but there is everything wrong with ‘straight acting’ and if you’ever used that phrase to describe yourself, I suggest you sit in a corner and ask yourself why do you hate you so much?
bums. pleasure – as long as we both cum – we are happy – are we not ?
Roles vs pleasure&respect. Now really,when both u&ur sexual partner orgasim. Are roles still that important?…
I don’t think so cause by then you both let go&just be to mutually enjoy each others pleasure.
I love receiving it&don’t feel any lessor than a human being,cause I’m being true to myself that is what matters more to me than whaty the next person perceives.
So people who are closed minded¬ understanding&respectful,cook up this clueless&misleading notions&ill treatment of fellow beings.
So just be assertive&be truthful to yourself than waste your energy stressing on unclued up people.
As for guys who are top and regard being such as empowered&dominant, then they DON’T GET IT shame.
Respect&appreciation of the next person than power play are more crucial.After all sex roles are not the be and end all of everything!
There are other aspects of ourselves than sex that anyone of us can dominate.
Ayoba!
Well said!. I like that, be who you want to be!
Bottom rights :). as a matter of fact the ideology of the ancient greeks still prevails in the townships – as a matter of fact, in the townships, it is generally believed that anyone who is gay(by this i mean is camp or perhaps just out of the closet) is then a bottom and the nice thing is that the “men”at times can openly display their interest and affection without the fear of being labelled as gay. They will only be considered to be men who don’t mind ass, or even who like gays’ asses but “isn’t gay”, quite often these “men”have girlfriends or even wives – so they have passed the test of showing that they are “.straight”
…. hhahahaha! taht is funny yes,but true. Some people just dont get it.
Bottoms. thank you, that was a really interesting article. Really thought provoking…………**Note i said provoke, NOT poke
interesting. Well its a matter of feeling inferior to being totally bottom so some people as a way of gaining some sort of dominance or pride and/or power actually they tend to like the idea of being top or choose to be verse cause the feel inferior about being totally bottom and its really stupid.
for me i personally feel that a person should just be what he personally enjoys most and stop fucken hidding to be top cause you fill that, thats cooler and have authority, its bull shit, bottoms aint weak or dominated by some sort of “gay patriarchy” they just who they enjoy to be, and that should not be under looked. for those who are bottom just be who you wanna be and stop being fucken versitile cause you thing that gives you power because you get to act top too. you have your own power by being bottom as well…
bottoms up. It will be lonely if the whole gaydom will be tops with NO bottoms. As the article stated the balance of the yin and the yan. As a bottom, in my opinion, we also provide balance.