Opinion | Let 2021 be the year of enlightened and shame-free queer sex


Let’s normalise enlightened and shame-free queer sexuality, writes Motlatsi Motseoile

We all agree that 2020 was unfortunate in many respects. Many lost their jobs or loved ones or at the very least had to give up luxuries. Some, like myself, got out of what we believed could have been our ‘happily ever after’.

Also, sex and sexuality – as in sexual intercourse, play of various sorts, hooking up and anything related thereto – was relegated to some kind of forbidden fruit; don’t hook up with anyone outside your home lest you contract Covid-19. (Although, in the shadows, many people still did.)

The President affirmed in a recent address that we are social beings but we are also sexual beings. In that light, here are some suggestions of what I hope to see happen, sexually, in 2021.

Bottom, Top and Versatile are labels not meant to shame or offend

Many gay men have said they find the question “are you top, bottom or versatile” to be offensive. They may say that they prefer the sexual energy of any interaction to lead them and thus this question is unnecessary. While some may feel this way, I argue that these labels are functional and not necessarily indicative of anyone’s behaviours outside of sex. Therefore, anyone can own these labels in the bedroom without that leading to any assumptions of who they are outside of their sexual practices and behaviours.

Fleeting, eating and oopsies

Oopsies happen, deal with them. If you can’t, then stay a virgin or be celibate or stay clear of penetrative sex between men. Not eating to have sex is unhealthy; I am sure that doctors can attest to this. At the very least, it’s bad for your ability to be social and fun; hunger leads to irritation which is not a turn on. Fleeting or douching is a personal choice; some guys prefer it and some don’t. Personally, I advocate a high fibre diet; it keeps you regular. But ultimately, sex can be messy, it requires maturity. And if you are not mature enough for it, wait. The good thing about sex is that it will never go extinct. So, when you and maturity become friends, you will find sex still waiting for you to enjoy.

Some people are not interested in penetration

It may seem surprising in a world that essentialises the phallus, but there are people who don’t like or would rather not have penetrative sex – and their sex is still just as valid. It is never the place of those who choose penetration as part of their sex life to shame or ridicule those who have different preferences. If you happen to meet someone who’s not into penetration, open communication and mutual respect is paramount. Post that meeting, it really would be very douchy of you to tweet your ignorant ‘knowledge’ of their preferences. Don’t do it.

Relationships are between those in them

People love who they love and love them how they love them. Whether they call it a monogamous relationship, a polyamorous relationship, an open relationship or just a relationship, that is their business. And if the people in those relationships have rules different from yours or desires unlike yours, your response should be to respect them and not judge them. Relationships are between those who have willingly and knowingly signed up to be in them. The only exception to this rule is when there is suspected or evident abuse; then it is our business.

The Birds and the Bees 2.0

Not everyone had the standard ‘the birds and the bees’ chat as teens. Some people got the fear-mongering ‘sex will get you pregnant or AIDS’ and others were told sex is only reserved for married couples to procreate. As gay men, this talk (if we got it) likely didn’t consider our reality, desires and attractions. As adults, lets normalise having the birds and the bees 2.0 discussion among knowledgeable peers. And, if we can, let’s call in an expert in our social gatherings to demystify and share new ideas. Nothing is as sad as an adult who thinks they know but who is actually ignorant or ill-informed.

Normalise HIV self-care

The message around HIV self-care is evolving but not reaching as many people as it should and it is important that we keep ensuring that the word gets out. We ought to be consistent in testing for HIV and other STIs and getting treatment should we test positive for such, under the direction of a health worker. We ought to also normalise getting on PrEP as a preventative measure and knowing where and when to get PEP. Acquaint yourself with the Engage Men’s Health services that provide excellent HIV healthcare or others that provide similar offerings.

Toys can be fun

From dildos to flashjacks, vibrators to beads, toys are there for a reason – including adding a fresh new element of fun to our sex lives. PS – name your toys and keep them clean and to yourself.

Ultimately, sex is meant to be fun. So have it and enjoy it. Be safe and be open. If there is anything I’d like to wish for us all in 2021 it’s for the best sex of our lives. Happy New Year!

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