THE QUEENS AND KINGS OF YESTERDAY
Research done on ageism in the USA has shown that many older gay men feel undervalued and ignored by the gay community. Some also experience hurtful situations at the hands of youngsters (gay men under 30).
To a large degree I agree with these findings: We do undervalue the elderly in our community and we do sometimes ignore them. In my opinion, older gay men fall into one of two categories – Fabulous Fairies or Ghastly Goblins. It’s comparable to a vintage wine as opposed to mouldy food forgotten in your fridge.
Fabulous Fairies are the ones that have accepted their age, have fun with it and set a good example of a healthy and happy lifestyle. Ghastly Goblins are the ones that scare me! They are in denial about their age, try to pick up twinks and have a less than desirable fashion sense: the old out of shape guy in a tank top and leather pants whose vocabulary does not include the word “no”; the one that’s overweight; dodgy-looking; flaunts his wealth and/or is sure to pop a roofie in your drink; and the one that surrounds himself with post pubescent boys – the typical sugar daddy. None of us really want to end up like that, do we? Predatory…Lonely….Desperate…Vulgar….
Clubs, bars and other sexualised venues cater for the young, making these venues not always friendly to older gay men. There is no formula to determine when old is too old, but once uneasiness surrounds you at a venue, you may have reached that age.
In many cases it is more about your own attitude, appearance and behaviour than your biological age. It should not mean that once you are over 40 you are dead or should retire socially. The fairy will not turn into a goblin at the stroke of midnight. Gay men are not dairy products that will curdle a week after the expiry date.
“None of us want to die alone and only be discovered weeks later after your starving cat has feasted on your corpse…”
Ageism exists in all social groups, gay and straight. In my opinion, it is emphasised in the gay community because ageing scares us. It makes us ask questions we’d rather avoid; therefore we prefer not to think about it. Being confronted with ageing secretly makes us ask:
When I am old, single and sick who’s going to take care of me? Will I meet someone and have a relationship at that age? Am I going to die alone?
Not all gay people have children to fall back on. Not all gay people financially prepare for old age as they should. Not all gay people have a close nit social network. None of us want to die alone; only to be discovered weeks later after your starving cat has feasted on your corpse.
Being in my 30’s I must admit that I do make use of the “oils of delay” – the eye creams, night creams, day creams, etc… I have even considered Botox but, for now, I still enjoy the ability to express my emotions on my face.
In a few years I too will be 40. Being in a long-term and stable relationship makes me less worried about growing old. I have a life partner that is ageing with me. Gravity will be cruel to both of us; we will have matching sagging bums and man boobs, not to mention the liver spots, but, as our looks fade, we still will have each other – if we’re lucky! I will take pride in my appearance; take care of my body and skin, keeping the twilight at bay for as long as I can.
There are many older gay men and women who live happy lives well into their twilight years. There are also many gay couples that have been together for more years than I am old; which gives me hope for my own marriage. They have a tremendous contribution to make to our community. They are the survivors of the HIV epidemic and the veterans of the gay rights movement. We are indebted to them for so much we have today.
Ageism in the gay community, in my opinion, is the embodiment of a central fear that plagues our community – our fear of growing old and the consequences thereof. Some older members of our community set bad examples that make us fear growing old even more, but there are countless others, who we do not readily see, that dispel the myth about what happens to fairies after they “retire”.
Makes you think. The thing is i am still young but thats the fear i have, it is always there. will i find someone to spend the rest of my life with?. i know i am still young and time is on my side but these fears dont go away. when i see an old single gay guy i get scared
growing old. Stop worring about growing old,, live in the now and experience life for what it has to offer,,gather friends around you,, that you will still be surrounded by in years to come… age will happen,,, I promise you,,, embrace it.
Do not get scared!. Please guy I am what I am in my 40’s and live life to the fullest so should you because the fact that I am 47 does not mean that I am going to die before you, life is a bitch and it all depends what you want to do with if. If Ithink of my 20’s I can only say why didn’t you go out there and take life and live it, we were so scraed that time is going to run out.
Yeah, young gay guy think older men are bad so did I when I was 20. but now I realize that I should have embrace them because I might not have made the mistakes I did but then live is a learning school till the end.
I am lucky I have a wonderful partner sharing my life for the last 14 years and he is also in his 40’s, but we feel lke we are in our 30’s becaus ewe live our life asif this is the last day, tomorrow will have it’s own oppertunity and not problem oppertunities because with out htese oppertunities we will grow in to the wonderful people we all are.
Age is a mind set you can be 20 and older than 60 and you can be 60 and feel 30. what we all need to remember and 99% of us forget we all going down the same roa so make life easier young guys and thenext time be nice to an older guy and you miht find that they are also desent guy who do not want to take you to bed all the time ….well some might just push there luck. And also older guys don’t think because he is 20 he is just after your money or just a fuck believe there nice guy to have friends with.
THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE OLDER GUY AND WANTS TO SAY OPEN OUSE AT THE OLD AGE HOME JUST THINK A BIT AND WHO NOW’S YOU MIGHT JUST MAKE A NEW FRIEND FOR LIFE LIFE LIVE
Makes you think…. Don’t be scared. Actually, there are a lot more closeted younger guys out there who find us older ones attractive than you might think. And as Babbelkouse said, you might meet one of us and wind up making both of you not single…
growing old. i agree but about to turn 36 i don’t think too much of it as you might be old numerically speaking, but as long as you’re young at heart, i think that radiates from your inner person to the outer world, let’s be fabulous, lol!
Growing old. being the age I am, and in the ”past by sell date” as far as the gay comunity is concerned,,, I can only say, that when one has built up a wonderful circle of friends in one’s youth, you have enough support in and around your home and life, that growing old is nothing more than the next stage in life… leave the clubs and bars to the young,, been there done that,, It’s now their turn, to make the headlines.. sit back relax and enjoy the youth’s thrill of life,, of a life that I have already had, and now experience in a different way. Deeper, and with a whole lot more meaning..
well said. Well spoken sir! Wish I could meet you.
Making peace with oneself is an enormous step in the right direction!
Ageing. This is always a fun topic (and in some circles a taboo).
It is especially interesting to observe how younger people feel and react apposed to the older ones on the issue of ageing.
Maybe it is due to different priorities people have at different stages in their lives: When you are young you have a completely different set of priorities and as you mature they change.
What do you guys think?
A time to live. I have just turned 40, but for the past 5 years have changed my attititude to the way I live. I do the odd bar hop with friends but not a priority like before. I have grown to love being at home. I cherish friends I have made since student days. I pray we will all be around for another 40 years. I still meet guys for casual sex via dating sites. I believe in looking after your body and mind. Drink, eat well, laugh and have a hobby and love your job. Secrets to staying young. I also believe in having friends in their 20’s as well. We have a lot of wisdom to share. I still love my trance music and love a good home jol. Ja, life is for the living. Just do it. Don’t think too much.
Actually I find myself (very close to 40) being more popular to younger guys than before. I don’t know why this is, it just is and I find it quite flattering.
Nature’s green is gold, but I really like the changes I can feel in my spirit and mind as I’ve aged. These are worth more than gold.
it serves as a waking up sign
A time to live. Very inspiring Anthony, thanks for the words of wisdom.
Language. Hey, where was the editting and proof reading in this article? Incorrect use of phrase and poor spelling should have been sorted out before publishing. Sloppy!
Poodle. Are you a french poodle?
Ha. Better start with your own message, Poodle. I believe it’s spelled ‘editing’.
its life hey. whats worse with me is that i have not even hit 20 and im already feeling the loneliness. i went to a bording school so im so over sexed. im in my second year now and just decided im so over being straight guyz service station.
but now oh now i feel that gosh i need some one to love!!!
blackdrama. You will find someone, just be patient.
Oil of delay lmao!. Oil of delay lmao!
clocking 40s. OMG! it suddenly dawned on me I’m clocking 40+ where has the time gone?
I’ve been having so much fun with husbear, I forgot to panic about getting older… must admit I’ve had to work a little harder at gym though (gravity is such a bitch!)
The truth: I never want to return to being 16 – 30, I only started living when I hit 40 *wink*
clocking 40’s. Now I am really looking forward to my 40’s.
Do not get scared!. I am truly amazed at your comment. You managed to put the whole age gap into perspective. The concerns both the young and the older gay people have regarding the other and you managed to hint at a plausible solution. A hand of applause is due to you. Thanks for your insight, would love to read an article from your perspective on Mamba!
Over 40. I’m almost 46 and find it odd to deal with all the “daddi” chasers, lol! Or with the assumption by some gold diggers that we’re all “payers not players” and that its cool to ask for a handout…lol! Oh well, I don’t go to clubs too much anymore because I have always had a low tolerance with 20 something bs…and now at times its like over 40s are invisible at times
Daddi. Hence my article, why are gay men of a certain age invisible? Age or fear? Do we not want to be reminded that we all are ageing? And we all know we are. Why is it such an evil thing, it’s natural after all, will happen to all of us.
Jaco. Thanks *wink*
Ageism and Obesity. We the overweight have a cross to bear without adding ageism into the mix. Apparently, if I read your column correctly, you find us all creepy. Thank goodness there are still those who like older fat guys, otherwise a whole bunch of us might as well go jump off high cliffs without parachutes…
The gay community has always been fickle and flighty. 30 comes quickly, so does 40 and then 50. Does that mean we should all just fade away into the woodwork or cease to act on our sexuality? I, for one, have no intention of doing so.
And as for flighty people who can’t stand the idea of dating someone older or fatter or who has an impaired fashion sense – take a good long look and next time you giggle remember one thing – 30 comes quickly, 40 does too, and so does 50 and soon you’ll be the ones writing vitriolic notes to cocky young bloggers and columnists…
TheLastBaron. I agree that the gay community has always been fickle and flighty, and I do not see that changing anytime soon.
It’s life (1)…. I am 29 years old. I remember many years ago going to gay clubs. It was exciting, it was new, I was petrified, the world opened up to me. Every night we would dance, flirt, have fun. I always remember the “dirty old men” who would follow me around the clubs. I felt grossed out, but sorry for them. Sometimes I’d even get my friends to dance around me in a circle while grand-pa would drool at me from the outskirts.
The thing is we were young and discovering who we were. Exerting our personalities in the big world. I remember straight friends doing the same in straight clubs. Eventually when we were happy with ourselves straight or gay club didn’t matter, we were having fun and growing into adults.
There were always the dodgy old men (and occasionally women) at the straight clubs too. They were just as scary as the crusty dudes in the gay bars. They freaked us out and we avoided them. Sometimes you’d see an older couple or group having the time of their lives. We always loved that type however. They weren’t lecherous, they were revisiting their formative days, having a blast and didn’t give a damn. They were visitors, not learners, and we learned a lot from them.
In that lies the difference. You wouldn’t see an old man as a pupil at a school unless he never had an education in the first place. I went to school, I started coming out at 20, I found myself. I clubbed, had fun, you name it. And then as the years (only 9 so far) went by and my relationships grew more and more serious, my need for the juvenile scene started to fade. I had dealt with the issues they were going through, I’d been there, done that. I didn’t have to hang out with only gay men in a gay bar as I wouldn’t hang out with only accountants in an accountant bar (if I was an accountant). My established friends, family and partner became a whole lot more important (and the music in the clubs too loud to carry out a conversation).
From time to time I’ve been dragged into one of the bars. I don’t have anything in common with the clientele anymore. I’m not finding myself anymore. I no longer need a gay support group. I’m still in my 20’s (barely), but I feel I’m done with that stage of my life and am quite enjoying the next one. I have dinner parties, go on holidays, meet groups of friends at a bar for something after work, some of my favorite girls sometimes manage to drag me out for a dance-dance (and that is what we do), and sometimes friends and I decide for shits and giggles to go to a gay club. We don’t go flirting, I actually don’t think we even speak to anyone else. We revisit our age of discovery, laugh at it, appreciate it, love how far we’ve come, and thank god we’re no longer any of those people full of angst and insecurity.
I have friends older and younger than me of all persuasions. We are friends because we are friends. We are at similar places in our heads. It seems absurd to try pick friends based on their age. I think those older men who are yet to learn are the most guilty of that. Some kid who is still discovering himself will usually not be able to think of anything worse than some crusty old man (and in their eyes, that starts by late 20’s). This is unless the kid is discovering himself and is drawn to father figures (and all kinds of other psychological anomalies Freud would have just loved).
It’s life (2)…. Enjoy your age, enjoy your stage, look for the lessons and learn them! Gay guys are always banging on that it is so different in the “gay” and “straight” “worlds”… That’s rubbish. We’re all people. Perhaps straight kids have a head start, and perhaps more gay guys are emotionally damaged and unable to move past their “adolescence”, but really, everyone has to take a good look at themselves. Don’t feel hardly-done-by because you’re old and fat and that hot 19 year old isn’t giving you the time of day. Think some old, fat grand-ma is going to pick up the straight twink-du-jour? Do you think most of the time the grand-ma would want to deal with a second of said twink’s bullshit?
I am damn happy I’m not 20 and angsty! I don’t want to hang around with them either. I’m not a psychologist, and if I was, I’d be charging for my time. I like getting older. I make more money, I become happier with my life and myself. I fit into my skin. People I surround myself with are the same. I don’t want some head-case sucking my energy be they 20 or 200. Don’t people like being happy? Don’t people get sick of permanent adolescence?
If you’re old and cool, you’re beyond your sexual (predator) phase (we’ve all had a little black book before), if you have a great attitude, if you fit into your skin (no matter how wrinkly you are) I like you! Same if you’re young. That’s all there is too it.
If you’re finding it hard to grow up I’d take a long hard look at myself if I were you. See a shrink. Sit in a quiet space and think. Life’s to short for eternal puberty!
It’s life. Have you read “Death in Venice”? It’s about an older man wishing to be young and attractive again… Kind of universal, don’t you think?
Jaco It’s life. Jaco I agree.
Gay Retirement Village. How do you guys feel about a gay retirement village?
Retirement. Good idea, lol. But hey, we gays don’t retire, we’re constantly on the prowl and working on looking our best. I get the idea, but let’s not call it a retirement village…..perhaps a “golden years” village, or something like that?
Gay Retirement Village. It will be the most fun retirement village in the country, and I can just imagine what kind of mischief all our old queens will get up to. I’d definitely book my apartment in advance.
Old(er) men. I am 40, well 41 in a few weeks’ time. Age has never bothered me and I certainly do not want to be under 35 again. I am comfortable with who and what I am. I think that I look good for my age – maybe I am just fooling myself. However, young guys (the under 25 crowd) do shun the ‘greying grandads’. At times it is anoying and makes one feel inadequate – but then I realize that they have not lived yet and actually know nothing about anything. A conversation with any of them is simply impossible as they battle to string words together on any topic of interest. That said, I do like a good looking boy as much as the next guy. It seems to me there is this constant battle in me between being drawn to their raw, urgent, fresh sexuality and being put off by their complete absence of higher thought processes. But, I have not given up yet – somewhere out there is a brainy, ‘mature’ guy under 25 with my name on him! So what if he has ‘daddy’ issues – I am sure I can sort them out too!!!
CircusMaximus. You have a good attitude.
I am sure there are some guys under 25 who are not only attractive but have brains too.
Hopefully you will find that type of guy that will also appreciate a more mature man.