INTERNET PORN: IS IT CHEATING?

Recently I discovered where television psychotherapist Dr. Phil stands on pornography. He believes that looking at porn is “never okay” and that it is “always cheating” on a partner.

WOW!

Those are strong and harsh beliefs to make a blanket statement about all pornography and those who view it. It reminds me of syndicated talk show host Dr. Laura stands on so many topics around sexuality. She has a black and white thinking about things being either right or wrong. Oh if it were so easy and simple. But it is not! We therapists teach our clients – and especially our couples – never to say the words “always” and “never” because they are seldom true. While I agree that pornography can become an addiction and not be healthy for some people, it is for many others.

Here is what Dr. Phil writes on his website:

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships.

Is it cheating? And is it a “normal guy thing”? Here’s what Dr. Phil believes:

It is not OK behaviour. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating. Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far. Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you.

It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal. Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level. You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship.

Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship. Ask yourself or your partner:

• Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
• Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?

  You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.

• Do you justify the behaviour by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
• Does it intrude on your relationship? Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

I completely disagree with Dr. Phil’s position. Here are my responses to his questions:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Some people would and, in fact, I have advised some couples (both gay, lesbian and straight) to do so. It can enhance intimacy in couples. Also there are many instances where individuals don’t want their partners to see their porn. It is private and personal. Partners sometimes need to have this outlet. It has nothing to do with their significant others. It is not cheating and does not mean that the person viewing the porn is going to set out to make the scenario happen.

That said, there are many people who have significant shame about looking at pornography and the content of what they are looking at. I think this might be what Dr. Phil is addressing. Even so, every person needs to have their own separate sexual fantasies and desires that may not involve their significant other.

Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem. This can be about anything – not just pornography. With any behaviours that are excessive or are interfering with your relationship, you must ask yourself this question. I do think that partners benefit from talking about their sexual interests and not hiding the fact that they might enjoy pornography. It is the hiding and secrecy that is usually the problem, not the pornography in and of itself.

Do you justify the behaviour by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?

For many folks, it is harmless and it is just the internet. I have had clients over the years tell me that they enjoy certain fantasies that their partner will not – or cannot meet. For example, one client of mine enjoyed extremely muscular men who entered muscle building contests. His partner, a smaller man, did not visually fit this image. So periodically he enjoyed looking at images of these muscular me online and it offered him an outlet for his interest without his going out of his relationship.

Does it intrude on your relationship?

This is a great question and should be asked to one’s self by all. I have many clients for which the use of pornography does intrude on a relationship. But the reasons vary. Some partners are threatened by the use of pornography by a spouse. The question here is “why are they threatened?” It isn’t always because their partner is abusing porn. It may very well be their own insecurities being raised by their partners viewing images that they cannot match. This is more of an issue that the non-pornography using partner has than the one viewing the sexual material.

Couples need to communicate openly their feelings about pornography use within their marriage. The worst is to keep it a secret or to pretend it is not a problem if one or both have a problem with it. However to assume that the use of pornography alone is the only issue is narrow focused and as harmful as pretending it is never a problem at all. Which is more important: pornography or your relationship? For some, it is both. There is nothing wrong with that. For others it is one or the other which, of course presents a problem.