Living in this lonely cage
Who among us dwells within a lonely cage? Who has the courage to recognise this fact – often dismissed as too sad to acknowledge? Something that’s seen to be so in conflict with the jubilation of the festive season.
I am a single gay man who finds nothing to celebrate about Christmas, not only because I no longer consider myself Christian but because gay communities are still not highly regarded in most parts of the world.
Since I do not identify with the traditions surrounding the season, I find myself secluded and cornered into a position of aloneness. I am mostly at peace with my aloneness, but at times I catch myself waging a war with the self. It seems as though, whether one is proudly gay or ashamedly so, the battle against guilt and loneliness can be equally intense. Loneliness is the ultimate downfall – something that many gay individuals stumble over and succumb to.
We are either caged by external circumstances into loneliness, or we cage ourselves through bad choices. In Being Homosexual Richard A. Isay writes that many gay men are forcibly integrated into the heterosexual community. That process of integration teaches gay men to willingly assume traditional masculine behaviour patterns so as to gain some sense of belonging.
Gay men who give in to external pressure to assume a heterosexual identity also simultaneously give permission to society to cage them. These men may sit at the head of the dinner table and be perched high in patriarchy, but they know loneliness too well. These men trade in their power for a safe place in the nest of a heterosexual society.
The web of lies they weave trap those who they are in relationships with; the lies serving as a shield to cover up the truth that is their loneliness. They are lonely to the extent that they have no clue where the lies end and the truth begins. These holidays, these men will drive a wife and kids to vacation. They take with them that cage they drag wherever they go.
The “out” gay guy has often done the necessary work to achieve some self-acceptance and yet can remain trapped under the rubble of ego; his loneliness a product of his own choosing. He admits that he needs someone, but his ego insists that the person worthy of his affections must be of certain build, class and race.
If that ideal doesn’t come along, he develops ways of numbing the pain. These sorts of men have unwittingly caged themselves. Often they might withdraw into a life of solitary masturbation or meaningless encounters. These holidays, millions of gay men will stroll in to bars willing to settle for lust while desperately looking for love.
Millions more will sit in crowded rooms, force a smile and tolerate bad company rather than being alone. Millions more will cuddle with women and silently weep away the guilt of having trapped other lives in their storm of lies. Millions more are not aware if they are coming or going. They don’t know if they are lonely or not; all they do is float past each season.
As Dr Maya Angelou once said: “The caged bird sings, with a fearful trill, of things unknown, but longed for still, and his tune is heard, on the distant hill, for the caged bird sings of freedom.”
If you happen to be gay and you happen to know loneliness, do the right thing and liberate yourself from its grip. Free yourself from the cage of loneliness; the key has always been within the palm of your hand.
What a great essay!
I can relate to this.
Very well put! I strive to teach society about Gay people and how they are no different from others. Our conservative schools just need to get by with times. We can only achieve this by continuing these type philosophy.
For older gay people loneliness is a fact of life. Christmas and New Year become a time of depression and a more acute awareness of your solitude and apartness from the rest of society. As you sit alone at home and have a sandwich for lunch, you wonder if this is just one of the many consequences of being gay. This annual depression is not a feeling of self pity but a realization that as you get older, particularly as a Gay person, this is your future. Unless of course you can swallow your pride and beg some family member, or a friend of years past, to invite you to join them for Christmas.
But then; this too will pass.
I relate too… I’m 28 m i Jhb and lonely as he’ll 7c836466
Hi. I hope that at the end your Christmas was not to bad. Everybody is lonely sometimes. Let’s start talking!
it is so true i feel the same way lonelyness is so part of my life i wish more people will talk about it
Loneliness depends on yourself. Just take the first step to reach out to other people. Start talking to me
This is such an honest and relatable account of how lonely life can be as a gay person. It’s a mirror to many of our lives. It begs the question: How does one release oneself from the grip of loneliness? Can the writer perhaps share accounts of how he’s coping with and dealing with this? Or is there anyone else except the author of this piece that can assist with coping/survival mechanisms?
What about we have an after Christmas party. Mail danielv5100@hotmail.com
What about an after Christmas party.