Here are 20 unusual euphemisms for masturbation


Masturbation Month comes to a climax (ahem…) when International Masturbation Day is celebrated on 28 May each year.

In the spirit of recognising the importance of self-love, we’d like to introduce you to a few unusual euphemisms for masturbation.

Some of the terms mentioned refer to female masturbation, while others relate to male masturbation, but they all have their tongue planted firmly in cheek.

1. Jacking/Jilling off

Most of us would have heard someone using this common term.

2. Practicing onanism

Also referring to coitus interruptus, or the instance in which ejaculation takes place outside a partner’s body, onanism is a term that has its origins in the Biblical book of Genesis.

3. Shaking hands with the milkman

It really is a pleasure to meet him.

4. Double-clicking the mouse

This is also sometimes combined with browsing the web.

5. Petting the cat

You’ll be purring soon enough.

6. Dialling the rotary phone

It’s important to mention that this euphemism is likely to be lost on anyone that was born after the 90s.

7. Taking the self-guided tour

The tour guide is probably the best you’ve come across.

8. Turning on the sprinklers

Because everyone knows how important it is to keep the lawn properly watered.

9. Shucking the mealie

It’s time to exhibit your agricultural prowess.

10. Tapping into your potential

Isn’t it great to learn what you’re truly capable of?

11. Auditioning the finger puppets

They all have a role to play.

12. Minding the gap

Maintaining the underground is crucial.

13. Buffin’ the muffin

Make that scone shine.

14. Charming the cobra

Just remember – this one spits!

15. Flicking the bean

This particular beanstalk might just take you to unexplored heights.

16. Ménage à moi

Who needs a lover when you know exactly how you like it?

17. Finger painting

Arts and crafts, anyone?

18. Blowing your own horn

Because you don’t want to brag, but you’re definitely the best friend with benefits you’ve ever had.

19. Much a goo about nothing

A play on the comedy by Shakespeare (!) seems particularly apt.

20. Making Pearl Jam

If you’re a fan of alternative rock and grunge from the 1990s, this one should appeal to you.

Remember, masturbation is not just fun but, as we’ve noted here, it also has significant benefits for your health. So, get at it!

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