The sayings are many. From the belief that when we want something, the universe hears us and moves to assist in attaining it, to the idea that our prayers are always heard and that all we need is patience because, at the right time, our God will make a way.
In my life I have found this to be true, but only when it comes to my work and finances. I have prayed, hoped and dreamed when it comes to love and relationships and yet, somehow, I feel like those prayers always get ‘blue-ticked’.
I started thinking about this after I reconnected with a man for the umpteenth time in our almost 10-year span of interactions. I wondered, has it just never been ‘the right time’ or are we simply not meant to be?
He and I met quite unexpectedly, like something from a romantic comedy (sans the happy ending). One boring birthday some nine years ago, a former friend introduced me to his ex and offered his blessings for me and this man to do whatever: one night of passion, many nights of passion or a life of passion.
The person in question (let’s call him Mongezi) was a good looking man, seemingly doing okay in life and a bit older than me. I knew it would be easy to like him. We met, spent one lovely but sexless night together and, as predicted, I immediately made a connection with him.
But, as things always happen, he was happy with how the night unfolded and it was enough for him. He wanted nothing more, at the time. I would spend the next two years asking myself if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed the course of our first meeting.
And so began our long rollercoaster ride; a situation that I believe neither he nor myself can ever quite explain or label. And yet it continues. We essentially have an on-again/off-again non-relationship. A state of affairs that we somehow are intent on keeping but unsure of what its evolution might look or feel like.
Since that first night, I have both cared for him and been angry at him for creating this scenario in which I yearn for more but know it cannot happen. I like spending time with him. My feelings, however complex, have allowed for him and me to be friends at some point. I have also been hurt when I heard things about him from other people with whom he’s had interactions and relations.
I have, however, found the honesty required to be truthful with him. So, at this point, he knows what I feel for him and the complicated nature of those feelings.
I have never tried, and I may never try, to ‘force us’ to be something else other than what we are. But what that is, I don’t know. I have spoken before about the concept of ‘breadcrumbing’ and I know men who have done that to me but I don’t believe that is what is happening here.
We are also not friends with benefits, because what we have been is more platonic and non-sexual. We do not have the desire to get into a romantic relationship because if that were the case, we would have done that by now. We are also not interested in labelling ourselves or even changing the course of our relationship because if we did, it might change us (or not). I would not know because neither he nor I have tried or even insisted on it. We are a messy situation that should not make sense but seems to, at least between the two of us
I think about everything we are, have been and done together and I believe he is the personification of my unanswered prayer when it comes to love.
If my prayer was to meet someone outside of the typical ways in which we now meet people, he is that. If I prayed for a queer man who is happy with himself, or mostly happy, he is that. If I prayed for a man who could be honest about his feelings, even when it’s inconvenient, he is that. But despite all that, and the ‘meet-cute’, he and I seem to be the perfect example of unrequited love, despite there being a mutual attraction.
And, as I think about this, I wonder if there is a lesson in all of it. Or is he just someone I am meant to love, have in my life but never have anything more with?
I do believe he and I were meant to meet and be stuck in this maze… always looking for each other, hearing one another but never coming together at the same spot at the same time.
As I write this, I’m thinking of our next meeting in anticipation. It’s set to be another season of him and I being together but not committing to anything beyond the now.