SO MANY MEN…SO LITTLE TIME!
According to one popular online dictionary, promiscuity refers to having casual and indiscriminate sexual relations, often with many people within a limited time frame. Gay men, in general, have come to be seen by the majority (including many gay men themselves) as being promiscuous or sexually voracious.
But is this a fairly accurate reflection of gay men and their insatiable sexual appetites or is it merely another plot by society to vilify and pathologise gay men? The answer, unsurprisingly, is a complicated yes and no, as there are a number of arguments for and against this stereotype.
According to the evolutionary-biological view, men in general appear to be naturally promiscuous, as this increases their chances of beating out other sperm competitors and ensuring that their offspring is spread amongst different partners. The evolutionary instinct to ensure continuance of the human species exists in all men, irrespective of their sexual orientation, or whether physically able to procreate or not. According to this view, men share a natural compulsion towards wanting sex as often and as widely as possible.
Through the ages, men have developed the ‘reputation’ for having an insatiable sexual appetite. Some well-known, albeit exaggerated, examples that have re-affirmed this perception include: an anonymous participant in Dr Alfred Kinsey’s research who averaged 33.1 sexual encounters per week, or more than four times a day over a period of 30 years; a Spanish nobleman by the name of Tenorio (a real-life Don Juan) admitted to having 2 594 mistresses; novelist Frank Harris claimed that he had had seduced over 2 000 women; and Ibn Saud, King of Saudi Arabia, is said to have enjoyed sexual pleasure with 20 000 women.
Although substantially less dramatic, Alexander the Great indulged himself with at least one man (Hephaestion), four mistresses, three wives and a eunuch.
Contrary to popular belief (or misbelief) recent evidence seems to suggest that women are far from being naturally monogamous themselves, and are actually genetically programmed to have sex with many different men in order to increase their chances of having healthy and strong offspring with the greatest likelihood of survival. Furthermore, by having more then one mate they ensure “mate insurance,” a backup replacement in case their life partner does not survive.
Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, is reputed to have demanded and received more than 1 000 men in one night, and the French actress, Mlle Dubois, is believed to have had over 16 527 sexual encounters through the course of her illustrious life. Further evidence comes from a paternity/maternity-marker study conducted in the West, which found that the percentage of adulterous children born to married women with ready access to other men can be as high as 25-45%.
All of these examples, some extreme, point to the fact that the notion of promiscuity is not reserved for the male species only and that people in general desire sexual variety and will exhibit a range of sexual desires and activities depending on their context at a given time.
A person’s number of sexual partners, both in a lifetime and concurrently, varies widely within and between populations, as can be seen in the following illustrative survey results:
- 29% of men and 9% of women report having had more than 15 sexual partners (a US Study);
- Young men reported having between 18 and 1 000 sexual partners during their student life (a US study of undergraduates);
- In a 2004 global sex survey, the Chinese reported having the most sexual partners over the past year (19.3), followed by the Brazilians (15.2), Japanese (12.7), and the Danish (12.5). The global average a year for men is 13 and for women it is seven;
- In a study on young gay men conducted by OUT, 16% of respondents reported having casual sex outside of their primary relationships. 12% reported having casual sex once a week and 14% reported having casual sex at least 2-3 times a month. Furthermore, 32% reported having more than 20 sexual partners in their lifetime.
So the question becomes, if ‘promiscuity’ is fairly ‘common’ then why has it been problematised to the extent that it has, and secondly why have gay men as a group been labelled as being particularly sexually promiscuous? The answer to these questions has to do in part with economics, religion, public health, and psychology (such as internalised homophobia), to name but a few.
There are a number of forces, both historically and currently, that challenge and limit our instinctual nature to have sex as widely as possible by actively warning us against the negative consequences of being promiscuous.
For example, ancient societies needed an organised and secure environment, with a system of rules, to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines. Monogamy (along with the institution of marriage) appeared to handle these needs directly and was therefore promoted vigorously. Then, through the ages, Christianity, for example, advocated strongly against any form of sexual expression that resulted in pleasure. This was regarded as a sin.
The Christian Church reserved sexual acts for the purpose of procreation between a man and a woman considered to be in a union before the eyes of God and State. Skip a few hundred years forward and public health messages continue to warn that promiscuity increases the possibility of transmitting sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. The focus of these messages, interestingly, is largely on promiscuity rather than negotiated safety.
These forces cumulatively reinforce the moralistic view that promiscuity is in and of itself bad despite being somewhat common among all types of people. Psychologically, this can lead to a great deal of shame and guilt, which needs to be placed elsewhere, in order to allow a person to live without too much internal conflict or tension.
As a result, the majority (society in general) project this ‘badness’ (e.g. being promiscuous, being sexually deviant…) onto an identifiable ‘outgroup’ (e.g. gay men) in order to distance themselves from their own unacceptable instincts and desires and to retain a sense of goodness, morality and safety as a result.
This sets up a ‘good us/ bad them’ scenario. Unfortunately gay men are an easy target for this type of projection, enabling it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Many gay men feel disconnected, alone, unworthy, deviant, perverted, immoral, and self destructive (created and maintained largely by society’s homophobic prejudices) and will, as a result, act this out in their sexual relationships.
One or more of the following may occur. Firstly, many might feel that they are not masculine enough (because for them being gay means being feminine) and might strive to achieve masculinity as an ideal. To be masculine traditionally means to be dominant, aggressive and virile.
As such, many will compensate by becoming overly sexually active by attempting to prove their masculine worth. Secondly, many feel that their sexual identity is all they have and that their only source of connection with others is through sex. To abstain from sex would mean giving up the ‘only’ source of connection with others and dying a slow social death. And thirdly, many have developed self-destructive feelings towards themselves. They feel undeserving of love, commitment and emotional attachment. They place themselves at considerable risk hoping, at an unconscious level, that they will be hurt, punished and possibly annihilated for their inherent badness.
These scenarios may s
by any other name…. leading life purely based on sex drive is an injustice to any human being… self inflicted or otherwise… heterosexual or gay…
sexual relations aren’t handshakes… or a casual good morning… individuals need to take time and contextualise the meaning of sexual relations… for themselves…
if one decides to explore… let it be clear to the other party… sex is beautiful “no doubt”
but it becomes even less beautiful when not completely understood to any individual… “fire burns… but fire gives warmth”
in closing… so much has been misconstrued about sex… through religion… philosophy… the list goes on… to add onto the “new age sex” definition… there are societal precious that cause many to participate in sex to their own detriment… “that’s unhealthy”
Individual identity is essential if one wants to lead a full and happy life… knowledge of sex is needed… people need to be educated… life is not Sex and the City… it never has been… and sex isn’t just about procreation either…
So… high sex drive or not… healthy sex isn’t purely about being clean, celibate or using protection… it entails a whole lot more than meets the eye…
with articles as such… let’s hope it’s the beginning of a healthy dialogue… in and out of bed!!!
Health or Sanity?. The debate is well construed, and one can hardly disagree with most points raised. However, it isn’t merely a matter of survival, health (physical and mental) or self preservation – such a view is far too clinical and self-centered. As long as there is no long term commitment or moral, ethical objections, I suppose that one can argue for having as much “fun” as you can fit into 24 hours. However, one can argue against this as long as there is the future possibility of entering into a relationship beyond animal sexuality due to psychological repercussions of the promiscuity so indulged in. There is however NO QUESTION once there is commitment. Any further promiscuity would be damaging to the alternate party in the relationship, and the relationship itself, and as such cannot be condoned, irrespective of health issues. And that goes equally for gay and straight, boy and girl and anything in between.
true. This is scary but it is true, gay men are not gay men anymore, im 23 but i know alot of gay men even on mamba that does this almost every week…
TRUE. True we are sexually active. I remember one day I was fucked by 5 guys and still needed one.
TRUE. True we are sexually active. I remember one day I was fucked by 5 guys and still needed one.
Yeah Right. We all are guilty of the fact that we want to have our bread buttered on both sides. ..
Get involved. We still go out and cheet on bfs! It is in our nature and we are all freaking sick in the head!
We are all naturally born promiscous!
Hell No. Its all about self-control, guys should learn to control their hormones. I would rather wank than be a slut of the town.
In the gay world everyone knows everybody. You will hear most guys saying “that’s my ex” or “I’ve slept with that one”. No wonder most gay guys are contracting HIV/Aids.
I don’t trust gay guys.
True. If you sleep around and have sex with as many men as you want what self respect do you have for yourself and your own body??
Interesting perspective. A very interesting article and perspective. I think the idea of males being genetically wired to “spread their genes” all over is probably responsible for a lot of prmiscuous behaviour. BUT NOT ONLY AMONG GAY MEN, as stated. I think most straight men, married or not, would sleep with women besides their wife/girlfriend if they could get away with it.
It’s understandable why society sort of rejects that kind of behaviour, but isn’t it also, in a way, rejecting something a person can’t help? If promiscuity is genetically wired in, then society is rejecting something that makes us what we are.
Still NOT justifyable !. So , if the straight people do it , makes it acceptable ?
“The point should not be to take the moral high ground but rather to accept and celebrate sexual variance and promote sexual health, and responsibility, free from shame and condemnation.”
Moral high ground ?
Its just plain morals !
Sexual Variance is about as moral as a whore.
Which his pretty similar , minus the charge.
Which suits everyone just fine as it is.
We all enjoy sex , and yes , we all want to have it , but when you reach the point , which most gay men and by the looks of things , most of these articles too which I have read over the years , sexual variance is the ONLY angle , its the only thing , its the only goal.
Within the heterosexual world, another common trend seems to be that the promiscuity of the straight world is being criticized aplenty , whereas here in the gay world , its the encouraged thing , its the better choice.
Frankly,
Its not even morals,
Its standards.
If these men are people who you care for , who you see yourself actually being with in a serious ( aka , not just sex based ) relationship, then hump till it falls off , have sex ever hour,second,angle and possible way possible , BUT , if you are the kind of person who JUST WANTS SEX , then frankly,
Your are a whore , minus the benefit of the cash.
un-able. I reckon that we have been more affected by the notion that homosexuality is immoral and an aberration than we care to admit. So, promiscuity is widespread, but straight guys are not encouraged to see this as acceptable. Gays on the other hand seem to think that, since their behaviour is already unacceptable (at least to the outside world) there is no need to comply to other accepted moral standards and they can screw around as they please. I cannot see how this position is defensible, as it isn’t about your gratification, but about the pain you are likely to cause your partner. I know, the article didn’t say hat it’s OK to screw around indiscriminately, it just made the point that it isn’t only gay men who do it, and up to that point one has to agree, but don’t take that as permission to break someone’s heart.
What’s the fuss about?. I’m gay and 40. I’ve never met another gay man who has not been promiscuous some time in his life. I have safe sex with many men and I’m not a “bad” or “evil” man. I don’t believe in relationships or “marriage” between two men. I don’t believe I’m somehow genetically programmed to “spread my seed”. I do it because I enjoy it, because it’s pleasurable, because I need physical intimacy with another man to keep sane. Gay men in a “relationship” or “marriage” is a joke. That’s an institution for straight people. The only ones who manage to stay faithful (like straight couples) are the old queens whose libido has seen better days anyway. I enjoy variety, so,yes, I do have many f.buddies. Some are married to women, some are in “relationships”. Its all a big joke to pretend that two men can live like most straight couples do. I don’t allow anyone to impose “standards” or “morals” that were designed to protect the traditional straight family unit’s integrity on me.
Proof. There you have it, proof positive to my comment below…
Dude, for a guy of 40 you really have a limited view on life. A relationship is about love and commitment between 2 people. Just because you do not want it, or cannot get it, does not make it a joke. So you only want fuck buddies, good for you. That is just you. But on the other side of the coin, people gay and straight do fall in love and have meaningful relationships. Not everybody thinks only with their dicks. Relationships is not a straight thing, it is a human thing, and I bet somewhere deep inside you, you also have the need to have someone special in your life.
Unapologetic think again. It’s not something to be proud of to tell us you sleep around. We couldn’t care less if you hump till your willy rots off with syphillis. The only achievement you get out of sleeping around is getting a reputation of being the Village Bicycle. And we all know whats happen to the Village Bicycle after everyone had their turm (jou wiel word pap) – you get a flat! LOL
There are plenty of gay men in stable relationships who have to fight off homophobia from people because of your slutty behaviour.
Who would want to be with a man thats a slut?—- Answer: another slut!