Unless your name is Helen Keller, your daily life consists of language. The average human speaks between 13,000 words per day for men and 20,000 words per day for women. Now there alone I could write a whole other article, but for the sake of this piece let’s focus on the men and round up to 15,000 for our more effeminate brothers (or sisters – whatever your thing is). Just sit and absorb that for a second. 15,000 words spoken per day.
Here’s the funny part: half of the time I don’t understand half the words people are saying. The gay culture has developed an entirely new language that myself and my good friend Elsabe Kritzinger (who I’ve previously introduced), battle to follow.
From the South African “gay language” of Gayle, where Priscilla will bring you bangles if you Dora and drive, or where you need to make sure the bedroom door is locked before you Tilly (Nancy for that) to the language that has been introduced to us by drag culture and injected intravenously via RuPaul’s Drag race, where the Hunties are gagging on the Eleganza because gworl…the struggle is real when you’re trying to Sissy that Walk, okaaaay?
My recent foray into the world of dating sites like Manhunt has revealed to me yet a new subset of the English language. Everything now has a name, an abbreviation or an anagram and if you misinterpret them you may land yourself with your heels next to your ankles, suspended from the shower head upside down going “How the fuck did I land up here?”
I’m always reminded of a very good friend of mine who was asked, in his younger days when meeting a new gentleman caller, if he likes Belgian chocolates. Now my friend is not a small guy and you don’t ask a fat child if they like Belgian chocolates unless you are trying to meet your daily word quota of 15,000 per day. Naturally he said he loved them, thinking he would get a lovely box of cherry liquor chocolates or some such thing to nibble on once festivities were done.
Well his gentleman caller arrived, my friend, let’s call him Wynand, offered coffee because that is how good Afrikaans boys are raised. While the kettle was boiling and cups were being prepared, he told his visitor to make himself at home.
What he found when he emerged from the kitchen with a tray (yes that is still how we were raised), it was to find the new friend stark naked, squatting over the white couch and taking a dump. Wynand has never touched a Belgian chocolate in his life again and the couch was disposed of and reported stolen. The gentleman friend never did get to enjoy that cup of coffee.
So Elsabe and I thought it best to demystify this online dating language a little and make sure that none of you land up with a turd on the sofa. I’ve chosen some of the most common things you may find on dating sites to explore for your benefit. Make a cup of coffee and pull the box chocolates closer. Feel free to print this out and place it on the fridge for future reference.
1. STRAIGHT ACTING
This is one of my favourites and always gets me giggling. SWM seeks straight acting hung top for discreet times. What the fuck is straight acting? Are we now meant to grab our crotches and spit while drinking copious amounts of beer and hocking a phlegm ball across the parking lot at the Spar? Or is it rather the stereotype where you are stoic and never speak and rescue cats from trees for fun that we should be aspiring to? Is there such a thing as straight acting? I recently heard one queen say that if he wanted a woman he’d be straight. Now I try to be a gentleman always, but sometimes I’m forced to break it down for a bitch, when you put your willy into a man’s bum, or a man’s willy enters your bum, you are officially gay and no longer straight. Welcome to the club, your gift basket and bottle of Veet will arrive in the post, please report to your local newsagent once a month to get the new Cosmo or we will be revoking your membership! Too stereotypical for you? Now you know how ridiculous you sound. Sure, not everyone likes a limp wrist moffie and a queen calling people “Meisie”, but let’s not fool ourselves with bullshit labels. Teef, ‘Seblief! And FYI, starting your profile with “No Fats/Fems”, does not make you efficient, it makes you a douche.
No strings attached. This is the good old fashioned shag, tag and release, or your hit and run or as my friend Elsabe would say, A naai en waai. You meet, you shag, you leave. Simple. This is generally the perception that the conservative types have about “the gays”, that we run around, pomping and jiving at the drop of a hat, and you know what Sarah Palin, it’s true sweetheart, we ceaselessly shag random strangers. All the time. Day and night. Thanks to Manhunt.net (shameless plug) we can do exactly that and never need to worry about calling the next day.
Here’s the thing to remember when you see “discreet” on a dating profile…no posting on Facebook who you just shagged! And for the love of all things sacred, don’t take selfies mid thrust. I will never forget the one boy who we met at Bearfest 2014, who took selfies while shagging in a tent with a married skelmpie he met on the weekend and then proceeding to whatsapp the picture to his mother by accident. Needless to say drama ensued. Bottom line is. You are getting laid, not engaged. There is no need for anyone to know it but the two of you…and of course your besties, for whom you will have to remember exact details like size, girth and flexibility, because we will ask.
4. CHEM FUN
While this one is fairly self explanatory let’s spell it out. These are not the chems that my friend Wynand had to use to try and clean the white couch. Pretty much you get high and then you bonk. Smoke a nice fat Gina en buk my skat, buk. Simple. However, and this is just me personally, if you need to get high before you shag me you can piss off. Nancy for that.
There you have it. The big four. Go. Explore. Click away. But educate yourself because no one wants a cactus shoved up their backside in the name of fun.