Opinion | We need older gay men to be visible
Do older gay men exist? The media has often been accused of painting a picture of eternal youth and uber sex appeal when it comes to the representation of gay men.
Gay men’s magazines are awash with images of guys in well-sculpted bodies in underwear, showing off abs and legs that have been to the gym for far longer than what many spend on community service.
Beyond this, when conservative groups speak against homosexuality, some have been known to ask “show me an old gay man.” The belief is that being gay is a youthful phase that passes once one reaches middle age.
Considering that our history as an LGBTQ movement in South Africa is quite young it may be no surprise that older gay men are less visible in our lives and the media. But they do exist and my take is that we need to see them; more and more.
The issue of visibility is one that is quite close to my heart because growing up I needed to know that I was not the only one who had feelings about other men. Visibility helps with normalisation. We have seen how it results in desensitising and creating wider awareness of the issues faced by minorities.
Over the years, I have since been exposed to more gay men in their diversities – in background, age, race and class – but I wonder why we are still not seeing more older gay men in the media or even in our social circles. Are we so desperate to hold on to youth that we discard older men who are no longer as ‘fun’ as they once were? Is ageism an intimate part of being gay; benefiting the young and isolating the old? Should it matter what age we are as gay men when we inhabit social spaces?
I think about this a lot more now, as a 30-year-old. Amongst younger gay boys and men on social media, I have already been referred to as an older gay. It does not bother me but I wonder if there are people who are distressed by this. And if I am an ‘old gay’, at 30, what do we say about the 40, 50 or even 60-year-old gay man?
Heterosexual people have the benefit of documented history and life lessons passed on; therefore they have social templates on what to do, how to do it and where to go when things don’t work out. We, on the other hand, often have to rely on our own experiences to learn many things in life.
That’s why there is a desperate need to see and hear older gay men; even if just – at the very least – for them to show us that one can and will be gay right into the golden years. It’s vital for our parents to see that too, and understand that we can live as happy, gay men even as we retire, and beyond. That is what visibility can do.
I do not consider myself to be old (yet) but I believe that it may well give some comfort to a 15-year-old gay boy to see me, a 30-year-old gay man, visibly occupying space. It’s also important for me to see more gay men who are older than me, be they single, married, partnered, with or without children.
So, this is a note to older gay men: Contrary to what the millennials are saying, we very much need you. I personally would like to see and hear from you; your lives, your experiences and lessons.
I’m a 65 single gay male. I do not have a six pack. In the western culture I’m past my sell by date in looks and body size. But in the middle eastern culture, I have never been more desirable.
No! You are not past your sell-by-date. Far from it! You are ok as you are!
I absolutely agree with this. Being in my mid forties I find that going out and visiting various gay establishments I get looked upon as what are you doing here. Being shamed by younger men for your age is very common, you get guys will blatantly say no older than a certain age. I however roamed the party scene with older guys that showed me the ropes and made me aware of my surroundings. We as older gay men need to step up and step forward so the younger generation can have mentors and go to gays if they in need. Let’s unite as a gay unit of gay people and not a segregated group of gays by age, class or affirmation
Ek is 74, gay, getroud met 48 jarige man. Apteker en polisieman. Ek werk nog somtyds en word ten volle in gemeenskap aanvaar
Hello Motlatsi
I’m 58 years young, I live in McDonough Georgia and I enjoyed reading your article on Older Gay men, I’m available for conversation if you are still looking to hear from individuals in my demographic
Peace love and light
Raymond R. Oquendo-Duke
This is an intriguing angle to the whole gay and age conversation. Nice job!
Well we are here, however due to the misconception that the society and heterosexuals have about gay men in the past. When we age we want to keep want to keep our dignity, going out doesn’t matter anymore. Oh yes energy levels also do drop we no longer party like young homosexuals.
Also bear in mind of how humans also age this days, a lot of gays go to gym. You sometimes can’t tell their age until they say it. Just like heterosexuals after 35 there are certain cycles that human beings strive for or live within. Those circle are mostly in doors, trips, advances or business related. Well if you are lucky to have a child you also start thinking for your child more than you, you don’t want your child to bullied at school saying “we’ve seen your dad’s drunk or in an underwear in a circle of young people” the psychological effects of that will have a negative impact.
When you grow old your priorities also change and shift. At that age you probably have done most if not all the things you wanted to. It’s nesting time, building a legacy, taking kids to school and more. Certain age groups will know each other, it’s like getting a Facebook friend from someone totally younger than you, you ask yourself so many questions and probably won’t even accept them.
When the stage is fulfilled you move to the next stage. There only thing we must do at this point is to document it so that there younger generation can take tips or learn from. That’s the step we need to be brave to tackle.
I have not been on this site for years, and I was just scrolling through to try and find out what is happening in the Community during lock;down and if anyone is going as insane as I am? Back to the Opinion – Dear Motlatsi Motseoile, Brilliant, thank you for this as it was a fresh change from all the World News Videos I have been watching – Gobsmacked! Yes, all the comments are true, each one nailed it. I had a Godfather who was also Gay, and I thank him to this day for being part of my life – I was lucky, but if I look at some of stuff that still happens to the Gay Youth, especially in South Africa, I would definitely say there needs to be more visible Older Presence. Besides, somebody needs to train these Little Princesses on how to become a Proper Queen!
XO
Morgi Porgi
Asexual Queer
I’m a 58 year old, gay man, married and have 2 adult children. We have a very active social life but this is mostly with heterosexual friends. It seems the younger gay generation is too busy with and into themselves, to note that the world consists of many folk which make up our LGBTQI “rainbow nation”, and often push older gay men aside (consciously and unconsciously?). They seem to forget that one day they will wake up and be 30-something or 40-something and will then see what it’s like to be treated with disdain (as has been expressed by others and we’ve also experienced to some extent) by the younger ones??
I have been fortunate in that we do have a number of younger gay guys that relate to me “as their gay dad” either because their biological father has not been there for them as gay men, or because our relationship has evolved into one where I offer that “insight/forewarning/guidance/direction” they often seek when confronted with issues they are uncertain in how to handle. The fact that I have a son and a daughter has been invaluable in my approach to these situations and I love the endearing relationships we share. And then there are a few that just are “into older men” – which also has it’s place in our society, but has to be approached differently.
There’s a place for all of us under the sun, but I do agree that the media has been instrumental in only focusing on one group to the detriment of others. Maybe it’s time I wrote a column somewhere – “Lets ask dad…” where people can write in and ask questions which I then answer?? And the media, can also expand their reporting by profiling the “older generation” with articles of successful older gay men including things such as fashion tips for the older man or looking for the “older angle” in whatever they are reporting on? Hey it seems I might have a new career looming 🙂
What rock are you living under?
Ever heard of bears?
So true..
Love this little article. I definitely agree with how much more mature gay men aren’t really visible. I’m 32 and agree with how the teens to early to late 20’s are more agreeable in our gay community specially here in Cape Town. I think there is a great majority of older gay men whom just find different circles or different forms of entertainment as they mature. Which I think is proper as the young club scene does consist of young boys and their youthful forms of outlets and expressions in these hip environments which no longer appeals to the mature gay whom has live through that right of passage. In a sense a outlet again for going through the process of finding out your different from all the other “normal kids”.. I think it’s said and true how straight teens & young adults do have the guidance from their other straight counterparts, where as gay boys need to figure all of that out for themselves. It’s basically one of my biggest frustration at this stage of my life because most are not doing so good at growing up and maturing, asking questions and reading up on things they don’t understand about their sexuality. And that’s where we lose the numbers in order to have that visual aspect of seeing gay men whom have figured it out and to be able to interact and grow from a understanding point that speaks directly to who you are as a gay man.
hey such articles help us to come out , please share more articles
I find that I prefer to keep to myself most of the time. I am 47, I love my grey beard, it’s my badge of honour. I wear it with pride because not many of us get to show the world we have made it this far. Its a privilege getting old. Do you realise that there isn’t much going for gay men who are older, so there is hardly any reason why we should all of a sudden go out drinking or clubbing? Give me a private sex party any day.
https://paulwatson.smugmug.com/
WHAT DO YOUNGER GAY PERSONS THINK WILL HAPPEN TO THEM WHEN THEY BECOME “OLDER” – WHATEVER THAT MIGHT MEAN – (IS THAT ANYTHING BETWEEN 30 AND 90 YEARS OF AGE?) WILL THEY SUDDENLY LOOSE THEIR IDENTIFYING SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND WHATEVER NEEDS OR DESIRES WHICH COME WITH IT? NO, NOT AT ALL. WE ARE WHO AND WHAT WE ARE FOR AS LONG AS WE ARE AROUND. IN PAST YEARS, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT THERE ARE AS MANY OLDER GAY PERSONS AS I HAVE DISCOVERED THERE ARE IN RECENT YEARS. AND WHY ARE THEY NOT “AS OUT ” AS POSSIBLY COULD BE THE CASE? WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE A RESULT OF NOT BEING AS MUCH “IN DEMAND” AS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG STILL. ALSO MANY OLDER PERSONS HAVE FOUND A LIFE-LONG PARTNER AND THUS KEEP TO THEMSELVES. AND, OF COURSE, BEING OLDER HAS CONSEQUENCES FOR MANY IN WHAT ONE STILL LIKES AND/OR CAN DO IN LIFE. UNFORTUNATELY, AGE OFTEN BRINGS LIMITATIONS IN TERMS OF HEALTH AND BODILY STRENGTH WHICH WE OFTEN HAVE NO CONTROL OR CHOICE ABOUT. HOWEVER, THAT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THAT MANY MAINLY SINGLE GAY PERSONS SUDDENLY NO LONGER EXIST OR THAT THEY HAVE LOST THEIR WISH TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH OTHERS AND TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF THE COMPANY OF OTHERS AND WHAT EVEN MAY COME WITH IT. THERE ARE SOME OF US AS OLDER PERSONS WHO LOVE THE COMPANY OF YOUNGER FRIENDS OR PARTNERS AND THEN, FORTUNATELY, THERE ARE ALSO THOSE YOUNGER GUYS WHO LIKE TO BE WITH OLDER PERSONS AND THAT IS NOT ALWAYS DUE TO NEGATIVE OR ABUSIVE TYPES OF CONDUCT.
IN MY OWN SITUATION, I AM A SO-CALLED “DISABLED” PERSON AND HAVE HAD A VISUAL IMPAIRMENT SINCE BIRTH – I AM NOT BLIND, BUT SEVERELY PARTIALLY SIGHTED. NOW AT MY PRESENT AGE OF GOING FOR 80 YEARS OF AGE, I ALSO HAVE AN ADDITIONAL PROBLEM DUE TO POOR LUNG FUNCTIONING. HOW OFTEN IN THE PAST HAVE I NOT SAT AT THE BEACH OR WHERE EVER ELSE AND LONGED TO MEET SOMEBODY WHO MIGHT BE LIKE-MINDED, BUT HAVE NOT MET SUCH A PERSON. I GUESS IT IS NOT WRITTEN ON OUR FACES WHAT OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION IS. IT IS SOMETIMES EQUALLY NOT WRITTEN ALL OVER US THAT WE MIGHT HAVE SOME PHYSICAL DISABILITY – SUCH AS SUFFERING FROM A VISUAL OR HEARING IMPAIRMENT WHICH DOES NOT REQUIRE A WHEELCHAIR OR CRUTCHES OR EVEN TO USE A GUIDE DOG OR WHITE CANE. IN MY VIEW, AGE AND PHYSICAL OR MENTAL IMPAIRMENT ARE ISSUES WHICH NEED MUCH MORE ATTENTION IN ASSISTING MANY IN THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY. WHETHER YOUNG OR OLDER, A PERSON IN THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY WITH AN IMPAIRMENT OF WHATEVER NATURE, STILL HAS THE EXACT SAME NEEDS AND DESIRES AS ANY OTHER MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY . I SUGGEST THAT THIS ISSUE OR, PERHAPS, THESE ISSUES NEED A LOT MORE ATTENTION THAN THEY EVER RECEIVED TO DATE. WE ARE FORTUNATELY MOVING OUT OF THE TIMES WHERE SEXUAL ORIENTATION HAD TO BE KEPT IN THE CLOSET OR BEHIND THICK WALLS AS IT WAS FOR MANY YEARS IN THE PAST.