The terms tops and bottoms are commonly used in LGBTQ+ communities—most often among queer men, but also within other parts of the community.
These terms are not always limited to describing sexual preferences, sexual activity or roles. They can also be loaded with expectations, assumptions and social stereotypes.
For many of us, especially when we are young, these terms can be confusing and even scary. Here’s a breakdown of what you need to know.
Tops and Bottoms as Sexual Roles
At the most basic level, tops and bottoms describe people’s sexual roles in bed, usually (but not always) in relation to anal sex. In a male same-sex relationship, for example, the top is typically the person who anally penetrates the other partner, known as the bottom.
Topping doesn’t always involve a penis—it can also include fingers or toys. In LGBTQ+ relationships, including those where there is no penetration, a top can also refer to the person who tends to be more active during sex, and a bottom the more passive.
However, these roles can be subverted. There are some bottoms, for example, who reject the “passive” stereotype and take on a more dominant or active role in bed—sometimes referred to as a power bottom.
There’s no right or wrong way to be a top or bottom. These sexual preferences and roles can be fluid and may change over time or with different partners. Someone who is vers or versatile, for example, can enjoy either role depending on the situation or their partner.
Who’s a Top and Who’s a Bottom?
People choose or end up in these sexual roles for many reasons. It may be about what works sexually, what turns them on, physical comfort, experience, a desire to please their partner, or a partner’s reluctance to switch roles.
For some, it’s hard to separate top and bottom roles from heteronormative gender ideas—where the bottom is equated with the “woman” and the top with the “man”.
There’s a tired cliché that the top in a relationship must be the more masculine-presenting, physically stronger, older, or bigger person, and the bottom the smaller, more feminine, or younger partner. While that may be true for some, it certainly isn’t universal.
Some queer people’s internalised heteronormative understanding of manhood drives them to take on the top role to affirm their masculinity.
These rigid views are limiting—and always worth interrogating.
Sides: Opting Out of Tops or Bottoms
There’s often an unquestioned assumption that every queer man must be either a top, a bottom or versatile—but that’s not true.
Many men choose not to engage in penetrative anal sex at all. While this has long been the case, it’s becoming more visible in the community. These individuals often identify as sides.
Sides prefer sexual activity that does not involve anal penetration, for many valid and diverse reasons—including a lack of appeal or physical comfort.
This preference is just as valid as any other and is increasingly recognised in the queer community as a complete and fulfilling form of sexual expression.
Tops and Bottoms and Power Play
Beyond who penetrates whom, top and bottom roles can also relate to power dynamics during sex. This can include elements of BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism).
In this context, the top usually plays the dominant role—controlling the action—while the bottom is the submissive partner who consents to being dominated, often physically.
These power sexual dynamics aren’t exclusive to queer relationships—they exist across all sexualities. Importantly, they must be consensual, with both partners agreeing to the experience and setting clear boundaries.
However, it’s crucial to note that being a top or bottom does not necessarily involve BDSM or power play. For many, it’s simply about who penetrates and who is penetrated.
Tops and Bottoms Beyond the Bedroom
For many, being a top or bottom is limited to the bedroom. But in some relationships, these dynamics extend beyond sex.
In some same-sex relationships, for example, the top may also hold more power in the relationship—being the decision-maker, main breadwinner, or gift-giver.
This dynamic has been criticised for replicating traditional, often patriarchal, heterosexual gender roles—the dominant male and the passive female.
It’s understandable how these dynamics arise—many of us grew up around these models of relationships. While everyone is free to live as they choose, we also have the opportunity to question and break free from such patterns, embracing more equal, flexible roles.
Decide What’s Right for You
Identities around being a top or bottom are incredibly diverse and complex. They reflect personal preferences, internal belief systems, and social and cultural influences. It can be hard—if not impossible—to untangle all these threads.
But one thing is clear: there’s no “correct” way to be a top or a bottom—or even to identify as either. There’s a broad spectrum of preferences, and not everyone fits neatly into labels like top, bottom, versatile, or side.
When it comes to your partners, communication is key – be clear about what you want and what pleases you. Also remember that anal sex carries a higher risk of HIV and STIs, so get clued up on protecting yourself and your partners.
What matters most is taking the time to explore what works for you, free from societal pressure or judgement. Embrace your sexuality in all its diversity, and make choices that feel affirming, authentic, and right for you.
